Breathless

[Philatone]

just to clarify a bit (this may take my critique from mild to serious, so a warning before I begin)

by flesh i meant to type "fleshed out" (sorry!). I'm not entirely sure what "All I have is into eternity" means. I do like how you turn "eternity" into a place in the last line (everything "there" is black). that being said, it was a bit abstract

I didn't want to go too heavily into the lines I'd look at again to keep it mild. Specifically, lines that I was considering included:

air like orbs of silver: I feel as though similes often make one object appear more relatable. unfortunately, "orbs of silver" does no such thing for me because my mind can only take the image so far. perhaps combining them in a metaphor would have a stronger effect (e.g., silver orbs of air slip upwards---it would also let you play with the /s/ sounds more)


Distorted faces and smudged shadows--while they add a bit to the setting, they do not strike me as being as crucial as the other images you have (the sun, the hair). The other images receive much more attention and description. the "shadows and faces" feel more like extra

"beautiful" has lost its impact because it is so common; elaborating on what it means to you can only help your cause

But they won't let go,
not until they have defeated
their own ritual belief of evil

this reads like a report to me; rather than letting the reader imagine and decide for himself, the words control interpretation. they tell rather than show. when that happens, it can weaken the relationship a reader has with a piece

i hope this can explain what i saw to some degree