08-20-2012, 03:14 PM
Definitely rethink the last lines, Jack.
I'm not keen on the awkward marriage of film noir baddie and London cabbie in the language you use. "Summer tickles my arsehole" and "lover was a thoughtful mug" vs "skinny mare with a brunette mane" and "if he's real he ain't benevolent". Without authenticity of character, the whole thing falls apart.
Also, who would say "brunette mane"? If a "mare" is his code word, wouldn't he continue the analogy with something like "chestnut mane"?
The musings are good, but the vessel is a little flawed just now.
I'm not keen on the awkward marriage of film noir baddie and London cabbie in the language you use. "Summer tickles my arsehole" and "lover was a thoughtful mug" vs "skinny mare with a brunette mane" and "if he's real he ain't benevolent". Without authenticity of character, the whole thing falls apart.
Also, who would say "brunette mane"? If a "mare" is his code word, wouldn't he continue the analogy with something like "chestnut mane"?
The musings are good, but the vessel is a little flawed just now.
It could be worse