Apologies for missing this... sometimes the forum just has slow days 
Agree with billy about this piece having an interesting core idea, but being a bit lacking in execution. What hurt the piece, I felt, were the many lines that don't really add anything: "of any kind", "with each line", "with you" ... they simply don't say enough to stand on their own, and you're better off either merging them with other lines or getting rid of them altogether. As they are now, they just give the poem a lazy pace for no reason. Just a little trim will do wonders for this piece
placed back in serious now that it's had some attention.
Agree with billy about this piece having an interesting core idea, but being a bit lacking in execution. What hurt the piece, I felt, were the many lines that don't really add anything: "of any kind", "with each line", "with you" ... they simply don't say enough to stand on their own, and you're better off either merging them with other lines or getting rid of them altogether. As they are now, they just give the poem a lazy pace for no reason. Just a little trim will do wonders for this piece
placed back in serious now that it's had some attention.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?