08-19-2012, 02:32 PM
Hi, just a few thoughts on the fly:
"had sunk" sounds like quite a slow process... I'd like to see this image achieved in a more dynamic way.
I find that last line very melodramatic and I'm not at all sure what to suggest, but I think it cheapens the rest of what is quite an excellent stanza.
Sorry I'm not very helpful at the moment, Geoff
"had sunk" sounds like quite a slow process... I'd like to see this image achieved in a more dynamic way.
I find that last line very melodramatic and I'm not at all sure what to suggest, but I think it cheapens the rest of what is quite an excellent stanza.
Sorry I'm not very helpful at the moment, Geoff
It could be worse