Memorable Service (edit 2.1 thanks all)

[tectak]

Terrific. If the reason you doubt it's in the right forum is to do with the humour I'd think again.There's some brilliant lines and the rhythm is great apart from one or two places.
Isn't it "genuflect"? It is certainly "impugn"?
when it's shot to death?

Draught sets them all a’hacking, but the good Lord understands
that when colons jolt, they need an open door. - cracking lines.

These too:
On the ocean of pink islands, moves a shadow in the light;
through the doorway here at last, comes he.
Bearers of the coffin struggle round the font and fight
to establish rights of passage in this sea.

The rhythm is not as smooth here:
See them smile, see them snigger (but to laugh out loud none dared);
with hands on mouths and eyebrows heaven raised.

"though to laugh out loud" would be better, I think.


He was buried without incident, an ignominious end, - except that the last of the poem belies this. You really need "further incident" but it doesn't fit.

Loved it.

Thanks for this. Certainly some good tweeks. Note though:
Main Entry: impune
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: fight
Synonyms: assail, challenge, contradict, deny, gainsay, resist
Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition
Copyright © 2012 by the Philip Lief Group.
Cite This Source
Now genuflect. Well, I got away with this one before ( on this very site) but never checked my instinct. I have now....genuflex is certainly acceptable, even by derivation, and I now wonder if I have ever seen "genuflect" used. I am buggered if I can remember if I was right when I said I was wrong or wrong when I said I was right. Anyway, genuflex googles out OK.
Re the last stanza. "without incident" is tongue in cheek and plays down the obvious seriousness if it were true!
The rest I shall ponder. I noted that when I read it through I stumbled but managed to correct the rhythm by trochee switching....it WILL read correctly but you do need to modify the emphasies.
Best,
tectak