08-18-2012, 12:32 AM
Terrific. If the reason you doubt it's in the right forum is to do with the humour I'd think again.There's some brilliant lines and the rhythm is great apart from one or two places.
Isn't it "genuflect"? It is certainly "impugn"?
when it's shot to death?
Draught sets them all a’hacking, but the good Lord understands
that when colons jolt, they need an open door. - cracking lines.
These too:
On the ocean of pink islands, moves a shadow in the light;
through the doorway here at last, comes he.
Bearers of the coffin struggle round the font and fight
to establish rights of passage in this sea.
The rhythm is not as smooth here:
See them smile, see them snigger (but to laugh out loud none dared);
with hands on mouths and eyebrows heaven raised.
"though to laugh out loud" would be better, I think.
He was buried without incident, an ignominious end, - except that the last of the poem belies this. You really need "further incident" but it doesn't fit.
Loved it.
Isn't it "genuflect"? It is certainly "impugn"?
when it's shot to death?
Draught sets them all a’hacking, but the good Lord understands
that when colons jolt, they need an open door. - cracking lines.
These too:
On the ocean of pink islands, moves a shadow in the light;
through the doorway here at last, comes he.
Bearers of the coffin struggle round the font and fight
to establish rights of passage in this sea.
The rhythm is not as smooth here:
See them smile, see them snigger (but to laugh out loud none dared);
with hands on mouths and eyebrows heaven raised.
"though to laugh out loud" would be better, I think.
He was buried without incident, an ignominious end, - except that the last of the poem belies this. You really need "further incident" but it doesn't fit.
Loved it.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.