08-17-2012, 01:26 PM
my biggest suggestion to help make the rhymes and flow feel a bit more natural and relaxed, would be to try to mix up where your sentences (rather than your lines) end. As is, the reader can really already guess what is going to happen at which point in the poem. By making your sentences end in the middle of the line, it gives the reader a greater sense of surprise.
the poem could be about a lot of things, which could lend you some power; however, it strikes me as being just a bit too cryptic. I get the surgery, but not the cause (could even be a metaphor for suicide if the speaker hates his/her life). a clue or two may take the piece a bit farther.
the poem could be about a lot of things, which could lend you some power; however, it strikes me as being just a bit too cryptic. I get the surgery, but not the cause (could even be a metaphor for suicide if the speaker hates his/her life). a clue or two may take the piece a bit farther.
Written only for you to consider.