Can't Let Go (was Well, here goes nuthin)

[Ruth]

Well HEY THERE!! :-D

okay, I liked what Billy said (Billy DO NOT let that go to your head), but one thing I will warn you about is you may get lots of excellent and completely different advice. You need to know what you're trying to say/show and then use the advice to help you refine that.

I think (this is just me, so do with it what you like) that you could word your stanza with some of the black bile that you feel towards these people. As tectak suggests, flesh it out a bit. Or make them more personal - "To my dad, who...", or as per Billy "To my dad, the bastard, who...", "To Mike, my company's president.." etc (ice cream? really? how charming) Also, maybe put them in order? Team Captain, Boss, Dad...

Can't Let Go

To Dad, who threatened to take
the next bus to Milwaukee
and kill me
when I wouldn't reveal
where Mom lived.

To Mike, the company president
whose idea of telling me
I bored him
was to leave a gallon of maybe make this more visual? sticky white oozing ....
melting vanilla ice cream
on my desk.

To Mark, the team captain
who asked me if my
father's name, Dong,
was the Korean
equivalent
of Dick.

I don't want to die bitter
but my wild mind like wild mind
trots out your offenses deals out your offenses?
and I mouth curses on you my (continues from my mind and makes it more personal) mouth mutters curses on you
and my heart becomes a I would assume the process isn't complete, so maybe "and my soft heart becomes a black and sour raisin
black and sour raisin.

great job, and welcome!!