Hi yumbo,
Welcome to the forum!
About your poem, first impressions:
When I read this, it came across as unconnected vignettes that didn't hold together well. I mean I see where the title and the speaker's reaction connects them, but it feels artificial to me. I sort of think you need an overarching narrative to hold the piece together sort of like Dorianne Laux does with "The Tooth Fairy". All of the items you mention aren't bad, but I think they need to tie together stronger. I also am not fond of the summation going on in the last strophe...it leads the reader too much. I do however, really like the final two lines and the image you leave us with.
You have the bones of something good here. I hope the comments will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the forum!
About your poem, first impressions:
When I read this, it came across as unconnected vignettes that didn't hold together well. I mean I see where the title and the speaker's reaction connects them, but it feels artificial to me. I sort of think you need an overarching narrative to hold the piece together sort of like Dorianne Laux does with "The Tooth Fairy". All of the items you mention aren't bad, but I think they need to tie together stronger. I also am not fond of the summation going on in the last strophe...it leads the reader too much. I do however, really like the final two lines and the image you leave us with.
You have the bones of something good here. I hope the comments will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson