08-12-2012, 10:33 PM
I like what you've done with the rhymes. Didn't spot it at first.The blind man's bluff line is nice.
A few thoughts
"taut"wire, not taught.
Ready to correct his tilting, deftly damping out the sway;
And down below the crowded circle gasps and looks the other way
I don't think "damping" really works in this context. You don't need "And" before down below.
Sighs and gasps are his to conjure, his to order, his to control
They wait below for every tremble; he trips and slips just to enthral.
I think you'd be better with "his to order and control" for the rhythm.
But in the eyes of those who watch him a certain glee is hiding there.
Again, "him" bumps the rhythm for me.
"his hands outstretched" would be smoother.
Swaying wildly, off his hat blows - likewise
His soul likewise is held but loosely, but held it is and not released
This is a bad line!I'll say no more.
I'd go steady on "steady" - 3 times in one poem!
A few thoughts
"taut"wire, not taught.
Ready to correct his tilting, deftly damping out the sway;
And down below the crowded circle gasps and looks the other way
I don't think "damping" really works in this context. You don't need "And" before down below.
Sighs and gasps are his to conjure, his to order, his to control
They wait below for every tremble; he trips and slips just to enthral.
I think you'd be better with "his to order and control" for the rhythm.
But in the eyes of those who watch him a certain glee is hiding there.
Again, "him" bumps the rhythm for me.
"his hands outstretched" would be smoother.
Swaying wildly, off his hat blows - likewise
His soul likewise is held but loosely, but held it is and not released
This is a bad line!I'll say no more.
I'd go steady on "steady" - 3 times in one poem!
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.

