08-10-2012, 07:17 AM
I think you've the crux of a good poem in the 2nd verse.
Kids swam the streets oblivious;
power lines lay limp and unlit
tipper trucks ploughed water
which was loaded to the gunnels,
high enough for human debris
to be carried from their roofs.
is what I'd suggest.
Blackness heralded the storm
I'd cut these lines
Throaty obscenities flew
within cumulonimbus.
just two seconds after blue
Cliched or nor, I like these lines
Anger raced across the sky
then dropped like rods of iron.
Can't see any justification for the repetition in defences down/ settled down.
Kids swam the streets oblivious;
power lines lay limp and unlit
tipper trucks ploughed water
which was loaded to the gunnels,
high enough for human debris
to be carried from their roofs.
is what I'd suggest.
Blackness heralded the storm
I'd cut these lines
Throaty obscenities flew
within cumulonimbus.
just two seconds after blue
Cliched or nor, I like these lines
Anger raced across the sky
then dropped like rods of iron.
Can't see any justification for the repetition in defences down/ settled down.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.