08-09-2012, 10:43 AM
hi tc
i didn't want to go the meter route as such, i wanted it to be discordant. that said i'm not sure it works
i do so enjoy your feedback, it's shoots like an arrow..into the heart
right or wrong, it's how it should be.
i like some of the suggestions. and the piece definitely needs some kind of edit. i do prefer the minacious line you suggested. and the point about the last two lines which could possibly disappear altogether.
big thanks for the critique.
i didn't want to go the meter route as such, i wanted it to be discordant. that said i'm not sure it works
i do so enjoy your feedback, it's shoots like an arrow..into the heart
right or wrong, it's how it should be.i like some of the suggestions. and the piece definitely needs some kind of edit. i do prefer the minacious line you suggested. and the point about the last two lines which could possibly disappear altogether.
big thanks for the critique.