Horrendous Attempt at Blank Verse

[Leanne]

It's not the worst I've ever read :p. Let's take a look

Unknown to me, awaiting patiently -- this line is good iambic pentameter, so let's try and stick with that meter for the rest of the piece
In blinder's peripheral there did sit -- this line isn't . I've tried to think of good alternatives but I'm stuck for the moment, except to say that we're probably going to have to use "blind spot" instead
A midsummer's dream, just here by my side. cut "a" from the start of the line first up... now, "just here by my side" is very mundane. Remember you don't need to worry about rhyme, just meter. da DUM/ da DUM / da DUM/ da DUM/ da DUM. It's a heartbeat
Amber starring into endless sapphire: -- how about "sweet amber starred through rivulets of blue"
Water that is flowing over the rocks, -- words like "that is" are fillers, get rid of them whenever possible. That way, you leave room for adjectives -- maybe "the water teasing past caressing rocks" -- ok, that might be a bit OTT
Trickling along, not toward oceans' tides, -- "it trickles through, away from ocean's tides"
Billowing waves consume the sands of time. -- this line's a little off-meter but not enough to worry about, it's only a slightly different stress on "billowing" and it's no problem
Sparks are nothing, vapors are meaningless,--"all sparks are nothing, vapors meaningless"
Yet sparks ignite and set asunder all, -- meter's good in this line but I'm not convinced "asunder" is the right word
Vapors condense, tempests rage ever on -- one too many vapors -- it doesn't work with the meter, so what about "the fogs condense; tempests rage ever on"? That's actually NOT perfectly iambic but by putting the semi-colon in as a caesura (break), it kind of resets the meter so the stresses aren't thrown out
Or gently lull life from earth's deepest depths: -- "deepest depths" makes me cringe! I'm not sure what to suggest just yet though

Even furthest trees can grow intertwined. -- I like the sentiment of this line a lot but the meter's off and I can't think of a solution at the moment, sorry[/b]


I feel that my grasp of meter is... not a grasp at all. Help?