Need
#9
(08-04-2012, 09:17 PM)tectak Wrote:  [quote='billy' pid='100565' dateline='1343893066']
Oh God! I really want to be abused;should be no problem though invoking the power of a deity may be ott. I note the first line end rhyme and the meter." really" may be superflous
Not beaten badly so to cause disgust.
A mild chastisement will be well excused;
so please remember I am not robust.
And if you think that I should be refused,
a better, fairer price can be discussed. We are now ready for a whole set of line-end rhymes. Will we get same? No. We will get the same. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

With righteous morals overly discussedor overtly?
the whims of men who like to be abused,
are trampled slipshod under laws robust.
Forgive me if i ask to be excused
the holy right of centre wing's disgust;
but when it's time to vote, they'll be refused.last three lines could be clarified but it may be difficult if you want to keep using the same end words. Clever is one thing, clearer another. You still have amused,accused, unused, defused, [b]cotused,bemused and of course, bruised, cruised,mused 2and rused.

There was a red head who I once refused
the whippage that she gave n'er be discussed.though I bow to you wider experience is is whippage or whipping? Discuss
In truth she left me hurt and too abused
and so my visa card was not robust.
She bundled up her tools of trade excused,comma after excused would help, though really you are beyond helpBig Grin
then turned on her stiletto with disgust.

I have been shamed and to my own disgust
when gracious give and take had been refused.
The matter of it all was not discussed;
they found her in the morning un-abused.
According to the gutter press, robust,
they deemed the woman could not be excused.

The crop in hand was something I excused
And seldom did a mistress show disgust.
I never found it hard to be abused
a fact so widely known and not discussed.
of course when offered marriage I refused
the hearts of them were much less than robust.

As high court judge I have to be robust
And crimes of violence never be excused;
to punish masochism with disgust
is wrong and it should always be refused.
A persons right to tit for tat discussed;
should Sexuality be so abused?

In leather basque robust and price discussed
you'll always be excused though not refused,
so slap without disgust, I'm the abused.


First edit was done quickly thanks to the eagle eye of Leannes meter-gnome, I used the obvious suggestions and tried to use an idea or two of my own as well. big thanks leanne will give it another go over in the future if anyone else gives me something to work on Big Grin (you won't believe this but i originally had chastisement in a took the thing out for screwing up the meter Blush

Hi billy. You must have strained your beating kipper with this one. Though leanne is my fantasy meter-maid, even in my dreams I never saw her being so schoolmarmish....but that's another fantasy. The meter was almost as good as a rhythm stick. Hit me,hit me,hit me.
I enjoyed this one. Not overjoyed with the clever use of the repeated end words. The sestina is a least favourite verse form but I do not come across it very often. I understood that the rigidity of the end words and the repeat variation was not inviolate. I think of the sestina as a training verse....and it works for you.
Try it with "...ake" ending words. Great fun.
Best,
tectak
overtly might work though i'm not sure if it would be the same meter. sadly the form dictated the end word. if i change one i'd have to change the same word in each stanza. as for leanne being a school marm...stop trying to excite me Big Grin Blush the truth is i really appreciate her input. and spot on; the poem was an exercise,; one of leannes. and while i hate them i think they serve a good cause in that they fill one's quiver with extra arrows. thanks for the feedback as always. will do another edit sometime this week and use some of your suggestions.
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Messages In This Thread
Need - by billy - 08-02-2012, 04:37 PM
RE: Need - by Leanne - 08-02-2012, 05:12 PM
RE: Need - by billy - 08-02-2012, 05:35 PM
RE: Need - by penguin - 08-02-2012, 09:18 PM
RE: Need - by billy - 08-03-2012, 07:13 AM
RE: Need - by Philatone - 08-03-2012, 09:08 AM
RE: Need - by billy - 08-03-2012, 05:29 PM
RE: Need - by tectak - 08-04-2012, 09:17 PM
RE: Need - by billy - 08-06-2012, 09:59 AM



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