Thrown Away

[billy]

sorry for getting here late , i have read it a few times though

I'm new to this site and more or less new to writing poetry.
I've very open to serious critique, both positive and negative.


Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart
While his semper fi was faithless good opening.
I was there when you were hurt needs to be said originally
I was there to pick up his messneeds to be said originally
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime good alliteration
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led
By you and I; we were miles ahead feels like it's trying too hard to be poetry. use a natural voice
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought. cliche, be original
the last 4 lines feel pretty forced.

I thought. i like this, would it help if it were initialized?

We departed ways one eventful night
I left for the moment- but there left my heart yoda speak; reversed words. at end of line
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones, this is a strong line.
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;redundant
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed, yoda speak
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Having fun and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding. feels forced.

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i'l like to see a few images. on either side of the poem, i think the idea of two peoples thought/actions in the same poem work well, what you have to do is make them believable. give them both some depth using images
i see others haver left a gamut of feedback and anything i say will just be to enforce much of what's already been stated. it's always refreshing to see poets who really do want to improve.

thanks for you're first poem