08-05-2012, 10:03 AM
How do any of you feel about this as the initial stanza of a free verse version?
I'm going to try and work on a metric rendition, whereas this version is attended to appeal to the pathos more than anything. It satisfies the issue of more background into situations and adds some characterization, but still faces the problem of pronouns and not having much rhythm.
While his grass stains strained your heart
I was there when you were alone-
Hurting from his disdain, from his neglect-
I held you, letting you know
That you are not alone in this world of pain.
While his semper fi was faithless,
I was by your side when the tears flowed
Because of his bottle and his smoke
And his words that sunk in and stung.
While he marched and trained
To rape, to raid, and to raze,
His body and soul turned rigid,
Distant from your love,
Frigid to the beauty of your ways
While he enlisted and broke away
In preparation for air, land, and sea;
I was drafted by your heart, mind, and soul
To console, to comfort, to care
For you and you alone.
Inseparability defined us as
Companions, cohorts, partners-in-crime,
With life an adventure, led in tandem,
Having a destination not in mind,
But instead the journey there:
To laugh as loudly as our bodies allowed
And dance with every emotion procured
From our heartaches and joys.
We weaved our patchwork lives together,
Creating in ourselves a work of art
That would outlast time's trials, so I thought.
I'm going to try and work on a metric rendition, whereas this version is attended to appeal to the pathos more than anything. It satisfies the issue of more background into situations and adds some characterization, but still faces the problem of pronouns and not having much rhythm.
While his grass stains strained your heart
I was there when you were alone-
Hurting from his disdain, from his neglect-
I held you, letting you know
That you are not alone in this world of pain.
While his semper fi was faithless,
I was by your side when the tears flowed
Because of his bottle and his smoke
And his words that sunk in and stung.
While he marched and trained
To rape, to raid, and to raze,
His body and soul turned rigid,
Distant from your love,
Frigid to the beauty of your ways
While he enlisted and broke away
In preparation for air, land, and sea;
I was drafted by your heart, mind, and soul
To console, to comfort, to care
For you and you alone.
Inseparability defined us as
Companions, cohorts, partners-in-crime,
With life an adventure, led in tandem,
Having a destination not in mind,
But instead the journey there:
To laugh as loudly as our bodies allowed
And dance with every emotion procured
From our heartaches and joys.
We weaved our patchwork lives together,
Creating in ourselves a work of art
That would outlast time's trials, so I thought.