Thrown Away

[Ruth]

I'm new to this site and more or less new to writing poetry.
I've very open to serious critique, both positive and negative.


Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart
While his semper fi was faithless
I was there when you were hurt
I was there to pick up his mess
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led
By you and I; we were miles ahead
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought.

I thought.

We departed ways one eventful night
I left for the moment- but there left my heart
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones,
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed,
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Having fun and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding.

----

Hello and welcome!!

You've had some excellent feedback about meter - something that has always been my Achilles Heel - so I won't touch that.

What I will comment on is what you are trying to express with this piece. It sounds like a broken heart, like a love lost, like being left behind and watching someone you love walk away with another - Faithlessness.

What I would like is to be shown this (show, don't tell - a phrase you will become familiar with soon enough). I think that maintaining a rhyme in this piece makes it more difficult to express what you are trying to write about. Some people, like Leanne, can write beautiful and eloquent poems with meter and rhyming, but it is difficult. Often, when you are trying to write about something serious the rhyme can take away from that. This could be my own bias (I write almost exclusively in free verse), but I think this would express the hurt, pain and anger if you wrote without the rhyme. Take out the unnecessary words and see what you end up with.

Just a suggestion, and again welcome!

-ruth