08-05-2012, 06:15 AM
Hello ambustharp, and welcome! Thanks for posting in Serious Critique, it takes some guts to do that first up 
This poem does have some good points -- the contrast between the military monotony and the possibility of a carefree, unrestrained romance is good, as is the wistfulness of the speaker. There are places where this could be tightened up though -- some of the very common mistakes made by new poets are using cliches or hackneyed phrases, inverting syntax (yoda-speak) and using rhyme without regard to meter. As I said, these are very common, so you're definitely not alone, and they're definitely fixable! Philatone has already addressed meter and many other points, so I'll try not to repeat his excellent feedback.
This poem does have some good points -- the contrast between the military monotony and the possibility of a carefree, unrestrained romance is good, as is the wistfulness of the speaker. There are places where this could be tightened up though -- some of the very common mistakes made by new poets are using cliches or hackneyed phrases, inverting syntax (yoda-speak) and using rhyme without regard to meter. As I said, these are very common, so you're definitely not alone, and they're definitely fixable! Philatone has already addressed meter and many other points, so I'll try not to repeat his excellent feedback.
(08-04-2012, 09:28 AM)ambustharp Wrote: Thrown AwayHope that helps
While his grass stains strained your heart -- this is a good opening line
While his semper fi was faithless -- I'm not American so at first I was wondering why the Latin is abbreviated, but google helped me
I was there when you were hurt
I was there to pick up his mess -- more specific examples would help here
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led -- "in tandem led" is inverted syntax and sounds out of place with the rest of the language
By you and I; we were miles ahead
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught; -- "or naught"? Nothing? Do you mean "aught", which is an archaic "anything"?
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought. -- souls entwined is a huge cliche
I thought. -- this works well on a line by itself and leads nicely into the next stanza, giving your poem a change of tone (or volta)
We departed ways one eventful night -- parted ways
I left for the moment- but there left my heart -- "there left my heart" is inverted syntax
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell -- cliche!
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones, -- good image
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed, -- inverted syntax
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times -- very vague
Having fun and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.
My thoughts:
I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding. -- ring and wedding don't really rhyme, despite appearances, because of the different stresses. If you're using true rhymes, which it appears you're doing throughout, then they need to fall on the same stress. RING/ wedDING sounds weird. RING and SING rhyme, as do WEDding and BEDding (conveniently!).
----
It could be worse