Thrown Away

[Philatone]

hey ambustharp! welcome to the site and your new passion!
some things I noticed about your piece

to begin, I think something that would strengthen your rhymes would be a consistent meter. We have places on the website that go over things like iambs, trochees, and other stresses as well as the number of beats per line (trimeter, tetrameter, pentameter, etc.---google is a good resource too!). otherwise what happens is that the rhymes appear to come at any ole' time without much reasoning behind it; now, if that doesn't bother or interest you, feel free to disregard what follows(!):

a light example, looking at your first line

WHILE-his-GRASS-stains-STRAINED-your-HEART

the capital letters get the 'stress' (more emphasis when they are spoken). a stressed sound, followed by a nonstressed, is called a trochee. I get a total of four stressed sounds in the line, so that would be called "tetrameter". So, I'm partially get an idea that the rest of the poem will use 4-ish trochees (or trochaic tetrameter--there is a missing syllable at the end).

after a first line, a reader gets an idea of how the rest of the poem may follow. so when other lines break from what you start, it can be unexpected.

anyways, to the poem itself

I'm new to this site and more or less new to writing poetry.
I've very open to serious critique, both positive and negative.


Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart
While his semper fi was faithless
I was there when you were hurt
I was there to pick up his mess...i'm getting a bit confused with the pronouns (I's, your's, and he's). no one has really been defined yet. also, the ideas strike me as being a bit too broad. telling me someone was "hurt" does not give me much to think about. telling me about their injury more specifically would give me something to imagine
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led
By you and I; we were miles ahead..."me" for "I". "miles ahead" is a very common expression; can you express it in a new way?
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought.

I thought. ...not sure how i feel about the repetition

We departed ways one eventful night
I left for the moment- but there left my heart...what is this "there"?
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart...."surely?"
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones,...i like this description of the letter
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed,
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Having fun and our late night talks,...again, descriptions of the fun and the talks would make the experience more vivid
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding.

----

my first suggestions would be to define the speaker/ characters more to help the reader feel more related to them. Pronouns, as of now, are making that difficult. Also, expanding/ refereshing some of your images will also aid in that connection between poem and reader. finally, perhaps studying/ practising meter with this piece will help strengthen the rhyming. i hope some of this can help!