Silent Night

[addy]

I'm not sure if you really want to go for raw on this one... if, as you confessed, you feel shy about it then it's gonna come off that way in your writing. You can't fake it if you feel too uncomfortable writing it down. Right now it read very languid and indulgent, more like a lovely massage . It lacks a little urgency

v.3

Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.

Eyes half closed, Don't think this line adds much
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed "presses"? To make the tenses consistent against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.

Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.

Shyly bleating beneath him, I'm not personally fond of "bleating" (the association with sheep is quite distracting), but it's your choice to keep it . Maybe you should take out "shyly" though
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon Not enough going on in this line, imo. It doesn't act as a standalone
fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets. The lovemaking didn't strike me as violent at all, so this ending is a bit surprising for me