The Sum Of Fractured Thoughts.

[addy]

Hi timmy. I think there is good potential in this piece. One thing I have noticed is at some points there seems to be a barrier, like you're tentative about committing to the imagery... there's rationalization and simile ("as if..." "as though...") and you default to explaining and telling your emotions even when the story and the metaphor speaks plainly for itself, with no need for explanation. I'll point out a couple of instances I noticed below, hopefully it helps. There's a lot to like here.

There's ALOT of formatting in this poem, and I couldn't be bothred to type it exactly on here, so here's a screenshot of the poem as it is on word 2010:

[Image: http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/2856/th...though.png]

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

And here's the text to make it easier to comment and add suggestions/corrections:


The sum of Fractured Thoughts.

Cracks criss-cross along the glass
All, everything, shatters.

My reflection ground down from the pieces of myself as ceramic
- turns to dust early,
Like nothing ever mattered

… As though imo the ellipsis doesn't serve much of a purpose. i feel the same about "as though", even if it ties this to the first stanza... you are lying in the criss-crossing experience your mind projects, as far as this poem is concerned. It's your mental drama, reality warps here, there's no "as though's" about it. just my opinion I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”,
In an existence my mind had always projected:
The white-washed walls of reality, breaking up in front of me;
As if somehow I’d never existed…

For I’ve untangled,
Unravelled
codes, such twists that of which decalcifies me from bone: I really like "decalcifies from bone"
Broken like glass, or dinner plates. Just stick with "broken like dinner plates", or if you prefer "broken like glass plates". I dread the possibilities of my own deepest unknowns:

I am nothing more than the fractured sum of my idealism
Whilst being nothing less than its fragmented shell;
I become nothing but the sandstone portrayal of ‘myself’
Whilst feeling like everything but it,
Somehow… This ending is a bit unsatisfying for me. Again, it's as if you're pulling your punches timidly and overexplaining something ou should just be breathing out.

03:33am
15/02/2012.