08-04-2012, 08:40 AM
if you use a simile it should be somehow connected, do bones break like glass or dinner plates? i'm also sure that if you asked anyone to represent broken time, dinner plate wouldn't be mentioned. the reader needs connections they can follow.
the format: i'm not saying don't use it, i'm saying wait till you have a finished poem. centre aligning and fancy formatting often hides imperfections,
the title: The sum of Fractured Thoughts. ...the sum is redundant
All, everything...one of these is redundant
turns to dust early,....it's a given...early doesn't really give us anything as there's no other reference.
As though I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”, repetition
In an existence my mind had always projected: ....always though it's on the fence is redundant.
Like nothing ever mattered...like and possibly ever are redundant
For I’ve untangled, ...for is redundant
Broken like glass, or dinner plates ....conflicting with ground, and glass is repetition.
i'm being really picky here because you asked me, some things like the glass and dinner plate image could be improved with a modifier that has a connection with bone or time; (instead of removing them) china dinner plates were often made using bone, hence bone chine, which connects to the preceding line
all the above are only suggestion, something to peruse and discard should you feel they're of no use.
the format: i'm not saying don't use it, i'm saying wait till you have a finished poem. centre aligning and fancy formatting often hides imperfections,
the title: The sum of Fractured Thoughts. ...the sum is redundant
All, everything...one of these is redundant
turns to dust early,....it's a given...early doesn't really give us anything as there's no other reference.
As though I’m lying within the “criss-crossings”, repetition
In an existence my mind had always projected: ....always though it's on the fence is redundant.
Like nothing ever mattered...like and possibly ever are redundant
For I’ve untangled, ...for is redundant
Broken like glass, or dinner plates ....conflicting with ground, and glass is repetition.
i'm being really picky here because you asked me, some things like the glass and dinner plate image could be improved with a modifier that has a connection with bone or time; (instead of removing them) china dinner plates were often made using bone, hence bone chine, which connects to the preceding line
all the above are only suggestion, something to peruse and discard should you feel they're of no use.