08-04-2012, 04:14 AM
there seems to be lots of redundancies throughout the poem, and in the main it feels as if it's trying to hard to be poetry. the cracks part is there as fragments in the poem but some things feel forced. i'm still wondering where the dinner plates came from. strip out any little bit of excess or any little bit of redundancy, the poem feels as though it starts with one, 'the sum of fract...' it could just as easily work as;
Of fractured parts;
there's lot of places you can tighten the poem up. don't worry overly about laying the poem out, fist of all, lay the poem down get it spot on then fiddle with the layout a bit.
[/quote]
Having wrote it, I first wrote in standard, and then added the formatting because I felt it needed it, I wanted to express my... Instability, and the formatting reflects that for me, it also adds a little bit more pause before you read a line, or the oppersite. So, I disagree with you there. Redundancies? Could you point them out? Personally, I never add something if I think it's redundant or just their for the rhyme or whatever.
Also, Dinner plates: Ceramic. Dinner plates are ceramic and are brittle like my mentality of the time.
But yeah. You have taught me to look for them Billy, so thank you.
Of fractured parts;
there's lot of places you can tighten the poem up. don't worry overly about laying the poem out, fist of all, lay the poem down get it spot on then fiddle with the layout a bit.
[/quote]
Having wrote it, I first wrote in standard, and then added the formatting because I felt it needed it, I wanted to express my... Instability, and the formatting reflects that for me, it also adds a little bit more pause before you read a line, or the oppersite. So, I disagree with you there. Redundancies? Could you point them out? Personally, I never add something if I think it's redundant or just their for the rhyme or whatever.
Also, Dinner plates: Ceramic. Dinner plates are ceramic and are brittle like my mentality of the time.
But yeah. You have taught me to look for them Billy, so thank you.