Silent Night

[billy]

if you want it to be warm erotic, popers take something away, drugs and sex and rock and roll are some heavy shit and if you mix sex with drugs then you need to up the tempo of the poem the easiest way is to make it about losing the cherry to "da master." at least that's what i get from this poem. the grammar works better than when it had none though i suspect someone else could help you better than i with that aspect of the poem. the new changes in some of the syntax work really well

v.3

I did a quick little edit, changed nitrites to poppers to try and soften it.

Here is it with grammar & punctuation -

Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.

Eyes half closed,
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.

Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.

Shyly bleating beneath him,
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets.

Blah I've never really written a sex-related poem (I dunno what counts as erotica and what doesn't) and I found it difficult.

-----

v.2

restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
inhaling poppers
intensifies
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head

shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
passion blends our colours
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets


-------------

v.1

aftermath of seduction
drawn out curiosity
release of tension
restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
peer at delicate charms
and dark indigo silk
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
pure filth
inhaling nitrites
intensifies desire
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head

shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
yet passion
melts us together
entwined until the light
of the rising sun
reflects upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets