Blue.

[billy]

How blues makes me feel...

Blue

You Twing, 'n' you Twang, feels like country
the end result being feels like padding and unnecessary.
the sweetness of your colour, great line, great synaesthesia.
Siphoning the Mississippi blues from another great line apart from the last word and the next line which are unnecessary and a little cliche, (into me would work just as well or better)
Your heart and into my soul

as if it's your suffering that as if is excess
transcends to make me whole;
as if it was you who stole those as if is excess
pieces of me that I'm missing! strong line, giving a sense of being lost in the music

'Coz ya brake me down the line works well but the language feels out of character with the rest of the poem and a bit cheesy
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
You Chisel at me until I fall,nice image and simile, why the cap
Flatt (!) like the resonance of not sure why (!)
your bearded voice that, while some of the stanza ends seem jazzy or bluesy (which is what i think you're aiming for) they leave the reader a bit too off key

Takes it toll on those
hammered bones of
this, my blues bludgeoned face [b]this isn't needed[/b]
that generously always gives me back,
all those little pieces of me all is redundant
That I've always seemed…
to be missing ...

TDJ Tovey
2011

*Note: in reference to the Sheffield chimney stack bit, you need a quick history lesson. Sheffield, south Yorkshire England (home of AC/DC & Def Leppard) was a booming steel town, and during the 80's in thatcher's rain all the mills got closed down, and from this during my childhood in the 90's there where all these huge chimney stacks from the mills that where constently being ripped down, they made spectacles of it, you could go watch. They crumble like I crumble every time I listen to blues.

no history lesson needed here, (from Manchester) the snake pass and the Pennines were places i often visited.

mostly nits that i pointed out on what has the ability to be a really good poem. you have some great lines in there, mainly it just seems like some of the padding has to removed and some of the grammar needs working on

thanks for the read.