08-03-2012, 07:02 PM
Thanks again Billy, you've been super helpful with this one. I really appreciate it.
Hmm, well, when I think of decadence, I think of excessive levels of self-indulgence and immorality, and it normally makes me think of the classic sex, drugs n rock n roll type thing. That could just be my perspective though, I know decadence covers a wide range of things.
You are right on and, I'll add that in.
Do you think grammar would really improve it? I'm willing to try it out. The only reason I avoided grammar was because, I guess, this poem is meant to be raw and emotional, and I always feel like raw emotion wouldn't confine to traditional rules of language... But I don't want to confuse people either! I write poetry for myself, but I want people to enjoy it too. I might toy with it and see how I feel. Otherwise your suggestions are good, although the reason it is "pillow pressed" and not "lips pressed" is because the pillow is being pushed against the face rather then the other way round, but maybe that doesn't work well.
I was anxious about cloys because I've never used that word before, but it does suit the "decadence" and "hedonistic" - do you have any suggestions? I've looked through the thesaurus but I can only find words like "sate" and "glut" and "gorge" and they sound even worse! Gorging oneself upon incense... Mmhm.
I think shyly bleating is probably one of my favourite lines : P
I guess even though this is an erotic poem, I kind of didn't want it to be. I'm more attracted to the darkness and depravity of it then I am the sensuality. I'm also a bit emotionally retarded when it comes to sex, which doesn't help.
Thankyou for the help <3
Oh I don't really like the title. Meeh.
I did a quick little edit, changed nitrites to poppers to try and soften it.
Here is it with grammar & punctuation -
Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.
Eyes half closed,
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.
Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.
Shyly bleating beneath him,
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets.
Hmm, well, when I think of decadence, I think of excessive levels of self-indulgence and immorality, and it normally makes me think of the classic sex, drugs n rock n roll type thing. That could just be my perspective though, I know decadence covers a wide range of things.
You are right on and, I'll add that in.
Do you think grammar would really improve it? I'm willing to try it out. The only reason I avoided grammar was because, I guess, this poem is meant to be raw and emotional, and I always feel like raw emotion wouldn't confine to traditional rules of language... But I don't want to confuse people either! I write poetry for myself, but I want people to enjoy it too. I might toy with it and see how I feel. Otherwise your suggestions are good, although the reason it is "pillow pressed" and not "lips pressed" is because the pillow is being pushed against the face rather then the other way round, but maybe that doesn't work well.
I was anxious about cloys because I've never used that word before, but it does suit the "decadence" and "hedonistic" - do you have any suggestions? I've looked through the thesaurus but I can only find words like "sate" and "glut" and "gorge" and they sound even worse! Gorging oneself upon incense... Mmhm.
I think shyly bleating is probably one of my favourite lines : P
I guess even though this is an erotic poem, I kind of didn't want it to be. I'm more attracted to the darkness and depravity of it then I am the sensuality. I'm also a bit emotionally retarded when it comes to sex, which doesn't help.
Thankyou for the help <3
Oh I don't really like the title. Meeh.
I did a quick little edit, changed nitrites to poppers to try and soften it.
Here is it with grammar & punctuation -
Restless under his gaze,
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation.
Eyes half closed,
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
and dark indigo silk,
a soft sitar smothers my sighs,
a pillow pressed against my lips,
mocking asphyxiation,
suffocating highs.
Heavy incense cloys the senses,
with sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin.
Hedonistic pleasures;
inhaling poppers
intensifies,
crystals form neat lines
then twist inside my head.
Shyly bleating beneath him,
almost resisting,
as passion blends our colours,
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality,
leaving only bruises
on flesh,
and bloodstains
on sheets.