Silent Night

[billy]

this is the best intros i've seen for a long long time, it smacks of honesty
this is the sort of intro that needs to be noticed in any workshop.

Blah I've never really written a sex-related poem (I dunno what counts as erotica and what doesn't) and I found it difficult.

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v.2

restless under his gaze
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation brave of you to lose half the 1st stanza, it really does work. could it be better, everything can be better. this is a great start.

eyes half closed
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence i think (and it's only a thought, that this line doesn't add to a sexual exploit, does one think of decadence or would one think of sexuality, his or your sexuality.
dark indigo silk and at the beginning of the sentence would would give a smoother transition
soft sitar smothers sighs this line needs fixing to something, it's the reason we need grammar, if you don't want to use grammar make the syntax work (a soft sitar smothers my or sighs) good use of S's
pillow pressed against lips again without grammar the transition to this line doesn't work well. (lips pressed against pillow)
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses Cloys doesn't feel sexy or erotic
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
inhaling nitrites while it's part of your tale, it's too mechanical to be erotic
intensifies desire desire feels unnecessary
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head are they neat lines or do the twist? and twists could go

shyly bleating beneath him i love this line, it's what i want my woman to do after she's ripped the back off me
almost resisting
chemical passion chemical passion is fake passion, why can't passion blends our colours?
blends our colours
woven together
until morning sun
refracts upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets

i only made my suggestions because this is a bloody good edit compared to what you started with.

i'm not sure the drug component is adding anything the way it's written.
i seriously think this is one of those poems that needs grammar. all in all, a great 1st edit and a brave one

thanks for the edit.