08-03-2012, 05:38 PM
It's also difficult to express certain feelings, I think, when it comes to love and sex, as well as having to dodge cliches. This poem is only half finished, I think.
Anyway, I agree with you on the on the first three lines... But is restless under his gaze a good start? Or am I worrying too much?
I was trying to pack in some imagery to describe the actual bedroom, but maybe I added too much. I could probably cut that line.
The italics line was meant to be like... Kind of the moral voice in the back of your head that has a go at you for being bad.
Melts us together isn't meant to be like the cliche, it's meant to be expressive of the effect of the substance use, which makes skin feel like it has melded with the other person so you feel like one being, which sounds very romantic and feels so at the time, though is chemical induced rather then passion, really. I was just trying to be flowery. Would "merge" or "melded" or maybe even "blend" be less cliche or is it the concept itself?
Entwined is a hard one because there aren't too many synonyms that accurately describe the same thing. Would "coiled" be better? Or "weaved" - "entangled"?
Done a wee edit.
Anyway, I agree with you on the on the first three lines... But is restless under his gaze a good start? Or am I worrying too much?
I was trying to pack in some imagery to describe the actual bedroom, but maybe I added too much. I could probably cut that line.
The italics line was meant to be like... Kind of the moral voice in the back of your head that has a go at you for being bad.
Melts us together isn't meant to be like the cliche, it's meant to be expressive of the effect of the substance use, which makes skin feel like it has melded with the other person so you feel like one being, which sounds very romantic and feels so at the time, though is chemical induced rather then passion, really. I was just trying to be flowery. Would "merge" or "melded" or maybe even "blend" be less cliche or is it the concept itself?
Entwined is a hard one because there aren't too many synonyms that accurately describe the same thing. Would "coiled" be better? Or "weaved" - "entangled"?
Done a wee edit.