Silent Night

[billy]

there one of the hardest to write about 'cos the sex poem, like the love poem has been writ a gazillion times before. this means it has to be done in an original voice. it's always best to leave these sorts of headers out as well. my first sex poem would have sufficed. in this form most things will be given thought as the norm The length of a poem doesn't really matter if it's well written.

-----

aftermath of seduction
drawn out curiosity
release of tension i don't think the 1st three lines do anything
restless under his gaze i think this is where the poem starts.
each nervous breath
brings me close to
damnation

eyes half closed
peer at delicate charms not sure of the relevance of this line
and dark indigo silk
the dim glow of hot pink
illuminating decadence
soft sitar smothers sighs
pillow pressed against lips
mocking asphyxiation
suffocating highs

heavy incense cloys the senses
sweet almond oil
smoothed over supple skin
hedonistic pleasures
pure filth feels out of character with the poem
inhaling nitrites
intensifies desire
crystals form neat lines
and twist inside my head


shyly bleating beneath him
almost resisting
yet passion
melts us together cliche
entwined until the light entwined is cliche
of the rising sun
reflects upon
fragments of reality
leaving only bruises
on flesh
and bloodstains
on sheets

this for me is the best stanza so far with some good images but some of it feels unnecessary. i italicised where i think it's weak.

has some really good parts in it but i'm not getting a great feel of erotic. sometimes blatant is what's called for though not cliche blatant like throbbing and lusting which you didn't use. i think it halfway there which is pretty good. you just need to go through it and think...."is this line erotic or sexy or sexless" if it's the latter, remove it

thanks for the read.