At dawn of understanding

[Mattias Tahri J H]

At dawn of understanding

Writing at dawn of understanding. Good.
[b]Though early in mourning I shall assume you mean 'morning', though I suppose some double-meaning is possible.
misty and brief, Good.
desire in drawing out adorning relief
Of spoken thoughts eagering anew stand I do not care for 'eagering' - no harm in inventing words, it simply does not touch me. I do not get the function of 'stand'. This sentence begins with 'Though' and 'desire' has to be the subject, but I cannot find any main verb to follow, unless it be 'stands'. Or perhaps it is written more loosely, and 'thoughts would be subject, and ;desire' just thrown in for flavour.
At raising wavy lengths hand in hand. I would like this, but the rhyme strikes me as forced, and I cannot quite swallow it.
So the words of the night must star so vast, 'star' seems just inappropriate here.
The quarter a moon inflaming to rounding grief 'Quarter a moon' ? Sounds nice, but does not convey meaning to me.
That even understanding in time will disappear. I like this, in itself, and as reaching back to the title and first line--mainly first line. The title might be quite different, though personally, i do not think titles v important.[/b]

Now--welcome to the Pig! There are many better critics than me, but the idea, esp of the Serious Critique you chose, is to give, well, serious critique.

I hope you will keep us up to date on your travels, perhaps in light poetic form. I see you speak Flemish and Walloon. I know that native French speakers often have difficulty in picking up the stress in English (de DA de DA de DA). I do not get the feeling that this is so with you. A French translation would be a help...

Hello Abu, nice meeting you. Many thanks for the critics. I did an edit based on your critics and the critics from Billy.
I guessed this poëm was written way too lose and slightly forced.
-mourning has a double meaning indeed.
-I want my spoken thoughts to stand firmly
-as Billy said, it must be 'the quarter moon'

Ok, i'll keep you guys posted of my travels and once I get comfortable with it and getting better, i'll try to comment others poëms as well. Greetz

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Hi matt, forgive me if i get this arse about tit. i see the dawn of man getting language and art

At dawn of understanding

Writing at dawn of understanding. our first words.
Though early in mourning before
misty and brief,
desire in drawing out adorning relief cave painting needs a period at line end
Of spoken thoughts eagering anew stand the syntax feels a little off, would a new stand read better? missing a period
At raising wavy lengths hand in hand.
So the words of the night must star so vast,
The quarter a moon inflaming to rounding grief
That even understanding in time will disappear.

the last three lines feel slightly off;
i read it as: The quarter moon inflaming to a rounding grief
i'm not so sure about how the last two lines should be, but they feel a little off.

i often get these eureka moments and they're often wrong so feel free to spank me if it is. i think primarily i got the conception of my idea from the title.

thanks for the read.

Hello Billy, nice meeting you. Many thanks for the critics as well. I don't think it's a eureka moment though. In my view, poëtry is an art you can't help doing. My melancholy reveals this to me.
Greetz