07-30-2012, 10:25 AM
hello working through! nice to have you!
what i'm seeing now is a poem buried under its weight. the images strike me as excessive, to the point that their original goals elude me.
for example:
we have 7 lines to describe a light in a dark room. that in and of itself is not an issue. for me, its the wide variety of descriptions used in this span. we have a symbol, a "victor" of sorts, a "moment of completion", "Shakespearian", "rain", "tide", "flock of ravens". this is heavy. i can follow, but at the risk of watching the images lose their impact, and I don't think that is the intention.
just my own take. i like where this can go, but as of now i'm a little stranded
what i'm seeing now is a poem buried under its weight. the images strike me as excessive, to the point that their original goals elude me.
for example:
Quote:The flying light sparingly, as if symbolic,
Stingy, hard-won light,
Highlighting translucent silhouettes as
Well as opaque, a moment of completion
Shakespearian in flow; and erupt-
ed around the eatery
Like tide and rain, and yes… like a flock of ravens
we have 7 lines to describe a light in a dark room. that in and of itself is not an issue. for me, its the wide variety of descriptions used in this span. we have a symbol, a "victor" of sorts, a "moment of completion", "Shakespearian", "rain", "tide", "flock of ravens". this is heavy. i can follow, but at the risk of watching the images lose their impact, and I don't think that is the intention.
just my own take. i like where this can go, but as of now i'm a little stranded
Written only for you to consider.