Poems

[tectak]

To Sonnet Not sure what this structured opener means
You are the sun of shady ancient times.why shady sun? Unclear. Why cliche of "ancient times". Just misses "once upon a time"
And magic breath of future tender days.What is magic breath. This comes across as a little infantile in the o"ooooo, its magic" way.
Your silly arms are deft and bitter vines.Comletely nonsensical metaphor. Methinks wrong words afoot, portable????
Your rosy hails are ripe and tiny grapes.What is a rosy hail apart from a grape I mean?

You are the candel - to begin the fire.Candle
You are the moon – to bring somnambulism.You are not sure about the meaning of somnambulism but you like it.....shame you cannot bring it. Funny, but I used the word on this site about three weeks ago and it is popping up everywhere
You need re fined and kindly hall – empire.Nonsense line. Has no meaning
And nothing more excepting this your needs.excepting or accepting. Sentence structure very flaky

Put sweet pre-human hands on my dark-had - Nonsense line. Makes no sense. I cannot even guess at what you are trying to say. What is a "dark-had-" that something possessing a strictly human attribute (but is somehow pre-human) is fondling
My easy holiday and my austere Monday.Sounds as if it coul just mean something but not clear once considered
Are you ideal? Are you, maybe, bed?To bed, or not to bed, that is the parsnip
It’s all not right. And, also, nobody.I could not fail to disagree with this less (Boris but contrived). Again. Nonsense by any definition. What are you trying to say?

You are the core the life of min’s. The plot,
Amazing angel – my Forge-me-not.Ah well.....just the line I expected. I will forge you not in steel or bronze, but cardboard in my very pulp will marrow you in spring. OK
This needs work but I am retired.

---

***
All isn’t important.
Sorrow has no floor.
Love is the autumn,
And nothing more.

Look at the streets,
Their trees, their fires,
The leaves like the sweets…
Love – is the theme from Shakespare …

What else do I need?
Maybe, happiness. Or…?
Love is a crazy life speed
And, of course, nothing more.

---

penguin, thanks for your attention. Firstly I admit 'deff' is wrong, originally 'deft'. What about 2nd poems point (I've changed the order, it's 'All isn’t important') there're sound of three different leafs across lanes or thinking of melancholy person interrupted by unexpected autumn. What about 1st I don't understand well why.

Please forgive me if this sounds over-critical but I do not want to discourage you....is english your first language? If no, then I apologise for some of my more ascerbic comments. This IS in serious crit, though.
You would do yourself no dis-service by READING your work before pinning it up here. Even your responses to crit are worrying. "there're sound of three different leafs " . Are you saying "They are (they're) the sounds of three different leaves" ?
Best,
tectak
....not all is opinion, some things are truth.

---

To Sonnet Not sure what this structured opener means
You are the sun of shady ancient times.Why shady sun? Unclear. Why cliche of "ancient times". Just misses "once upon a time"
And magic breath of future tender days.What is magic breath. This comes across as a little infantile in the "Ooooo, its magic!" way.
Your silly arms are deft and bitter vines.Completely nonsensical metaphor. Methinks wrong words afoot, portable????
Your rosy hails are ripe and tiny grapes.What is a rosy hail apart from a grape I mean?

You are the candel - to begin the fire.Candle
You are the moon – to bring somnambulism.You are not sure about the meaning of somnambulism but you like it.....shame you cannot bring it. Funny, but I used the word on this site about three weeks ago and it is popping up everywhere
You need re fined and kindly hall – empire.Nonsense line. Has no meaning
And nothing more excepting this your needs.excepting or accepting. Sentence structure very flaky

Put sweet pre-human hands on my dark-had - Nonsense line. Makes no sense. I cannot even guess at what you are trying to say. What is a "dark-had-" that something possessing a strictly human attribute (but is somehow pre-human) is fondling
My easy holiday and my austere Monday.Sounds as if it could just mean something but not clear once considered
Are you ideal? Are you, maybe, bed?To bed, or not to bed, that is the parsnip
It’s all not right. And, also, nobody.I could not fail to disagree with this less (Boris but contrived). Again. Nonsense by any definition. What are you trying to say?

You are the core the life of min’s. The plot,
Amazing angel – my Forge-me-not.Ah well.....just the line I expected. I will forge you not in steel or bronze, but cardboard in my very pulp will marrow you in spring. OK
This needs work but I am retired.

---

***
All isn’t important.
Sorrow has no floor.
Love is the autumn,
And nothing more.

Look at the streets,
Their trees, their fires,
The leaves like the sweets…
Love – is the theme from Shakespare …

What else do I need?
Maybe, happiness. Or…?
Love is a crazy life speed
And, of course, nothing more.

---

penguin, thanks for your attention. Firstly I admit 'deff' is wrong, originally 'deft'. What about 2nd poems point (I've changed the order, it's 'All isn’t important') there're sound of three different leafs across lanes or thinking of melancholy person interrupted by unexpected autumn. What about 1st I don't understand well why.

[b]Please forgive me if this sounds over-critical but I do not want to discourage you....is english your first language? If no, then I apologise for some of my more ascerbic comments. This IS in serious crit, though.
You would do yourself no dis-service by READING your work before pinning it up here. Even your responses to crit are worrying. "there're sound of three different leafs " . Are you saying "They are (they're) the sounds of three different leaves" ?
Best,
tectak
....not all is opinion, some things are truth.