07-29-2012, 12:43 PM
This is an excellent piece. I actually liked the stop-starts, it fits in well for the POV of someone who is trying to navigate her way back to words after abandoning them due to heartbreak.
What didn't work for me was the overfixation on mouth / lips. It was good but perhaps stretched too long.... the third stanza, for example, was pretty much repeating the same themes as the second. To what end, I'm not sure... why are mouths the most important image here? It would make sense if this poem was about speaking poetry rather than writing it, but it isn't really. Or maybe he always speaks sweet nothings and that's what inspired her love poetry, but such a scenario wasn't stressed.
in any case, that is a minor nit to a poem that I think is rather well done
What didn't work for me was the overfixation on mouth / lips. It was good but perhaps stretched too long.... the third stanza, for example, was pretty much repeating the same themes as the second. To what end, I'm not sure... why are mouths the most important image here? It would make sense if this poem was about speaking poetry rather than writing it, but it isn't really. Or maybe he always speaks sweet nothings and that's what inspired her love poetry, but such a scenario wasn't stressed.
in any case, that is a minor nit to a poem that I think is rather well done
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?