07-28-2012, 01:09 PM
hey vedant
to begin, I would say watch your spelling and grammar (e.g., verb tenses, subject-verb agreement).
I like the offrhymes, they help the poem a lot. that being said, i think some enjambment on the couplets you have going on could work wonders; as is, the flow can be a bit jumpy with irregular line breaks and everything is end stopped, what with the grammatical sentences ending where the lines end.
there are a lot of images to work with; perhaps having more of a focus could help guide the reader more (as is, we can jump from "fruits" to "hell" to "sprain" to "meteors", etc.)
just some thoughts to get started
to begin, I would say watch your spelling and grammar (e.g., verb tenses, subject-verb agreement).
I like the offrhymes, they help the poem a lot. that being said, i think some enjambment on the couplets you have going on could work wonders; as is, the flow can be a bit jumpy with irregular line breaks and everything is end stopped, what with the grammatical sentences ending where the lines end.
there are a lot of images to work with; perhaps having more of a focus could help guide the reader more (as is, we can jump from "fruits" to "hell" to "sprain" to "meteors", etc.)
just some thoughts to get started
Written only for you to consider.