Rave-Down.

[Timmycom]

I thought of the idea of this whilst on the 7 mile walk home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

I have been having trouble with this for a while, I think I have just about cracked it, but I donno. I feel it needs review. Thanks =]

Tc.

Rave-down.

So, I love you.
Or at least, I think I do
until that frightful morning comes,
and I realise I'd rather fracture my thumb
than talk to this stranger for another
knuckle dragging moment; i like this line and it feels like a solid enough opening stanza.

For their ain't no hope of consolatory for doesn't work for me
atonement when you find one’s self
blaming time it's self for existing:
prolonging it's self
so that it drags out your suffering.
all this for the sake of the universe's health!

Ah! God Damn,
am I really that selfish that
I would ask a crack in dimensional
space-time fabric like some crazy soddin’ manic
Rose or Einstein figurin’ out a better way to loop back
to their own bed earlier just so they can
lie down, go to sleep and recover?

Fuck it.
‘course I would!
‘Coz can’t you see I'm frightfully starting falter? a confusing line
‘n’ how my consciousness is about to slip,
with every foot-step, my eyes are forced into slits
feeling it drawing me ever closer like the break of day into
dawn

and just like the sun, my heart’s rising,
pounding, nothing but the onomatopoeia keeping me awake
with the 7 mile promise of home
keeping me staked, gripped into place
amongst the rippling blanket of space-time,
oh whose waves are collapsing in on me,

Oh behold the end of my escapism, watch it fold in upon me!
engulfing me again into this, my endless
rat race, this tail gating consumerism
that defines my need to be ‘endlessly’ happy...

(A constant personal pressure, of mine)

02:58
11/07/12
TDJ Tovey

look out for it's and its make sure you use the right one. make sure the word usage is right (oneself) unless if one's self is what you intended then it's good to go. a ! would work better than Errgh, Errgh reads like someone taking a dump


i think this is an excellent poem. i think some of the syntax isn't. in places it very hard to see what's being said.

oh whose waves are collapsing in on me, it doesn't need oh

remove any word that isn't absolutely needed. there are more. i like the feel of the poem. the cruelty of it. it does feel honest. i'd have liked to have seen the come down intro worked into the poem as opposed to be an intro..

I thought of this whilst on the 7 mile walk
home from a Rave... A come-down can be humbling.

would have been a good opener .

doesn't need much but it does need some work doing in order to make it shine

thanks for the read.

Wow! Very pleased with this! ... Yeah. So. I think I need to do some English lessons >_< I think I am getting tired of this basic shit that's messing me around.

Thanks, once again for reading Billy! I need to make a point to read some of yours, man.