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[tectak]

Hey there. Sorry about the lack of title, but I don't usually title poems, so I figure I'll just adopt a number-based titling scheme for most of what I post here.

Interested in comment on this, specifically:

• how it reads/sounds to someone who doesn't know what's coming
  
• thoughts on tone (something I find horrifyingly difficult to get right)
  
• the effectiveness of the repetitive elements
  

Cheers!

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there is a certain voice and words
an easy touch that makes me think
of a day on secrets
of a laugh that spills light

in supermarkets while
the longest walk of shame, some words
chlamydia trachomatis, thrush
pictures that batter only, and bring their words
the stare and hold that worries only
the strange face one day seen in
polished furniture and the long dark
shine of the hallway light that one day
brings a yellow tiger colour only (his last) and asks
if this is really a chat? or some
easy words said one day only.

it is hard being apart from you.

but a cave you know a pile of things
and thinglike stuff, today, one day, the weekend. the dusty
slip of a life that will
not look back upon itself
another day on secrets
one day words
without light, laughter

Hi para,
Good to see you asking for comments in serious crit. I don't normally give crit under specific requests and so I guess I'll just use numbers.
so:
2
4
1
6
9
OK. Joke over. A title really helps. Without it, how are we supposed to know your intent. Meaning is not everything, but false interpretation of any serious piece leaves a hollow feeling in the reading. It means that the reader has another "aspect" of the work to consider which leaves the unpleasant taste of bitter mistrust Do YOU know what it is about? And if you do, give a clue....if you do not, then don't bear-trap me.
The whole piece has an messy, ragged feel to it. Punctuation then no punctuation, lucidity then absurdity, fluency then incompetance.
Have you proof read the piece? Thing is, crit is one thing (or thinglike stuff)....free editing is quite another (thing).
For me, it needs a trim and rewrite to get the BEST out of it. Ditch the rest. It works for me.
Best,
tectak