07-25-2012, 11:11 AM
hey timmy
I would check to be sure all those "selves" are 1) needed and 2) correct (spelling, usage--on one or two occasions, a you become a "one's self")
asking and answering your own questions can be a difficult strategy to pull off. I would get a greater sense of strength in the piece if the speaker admitted his selfishness much sooner, rather than witnessing his debate, which takes up some valuable space in the poem.
I like the attention to sound and rhythm you present, it gives the piece a needed sense of cohesion for me
I would check to be sure all those "selves" are 1) needed and 2) correct (spelling, usage--on one or two occasions, a you become a "one's self")
asking and answering your own questions can be a difficult strategy to pull off. I would get a greater sense of strength in the piece if the speaker admitted his selfishness much sooner, rather than witnessing his debate, which takes up some valuable space in the poem.
I like the attention to sound and rhythm you present, it gives the piece a needed sense of cohesion for me
Written only for you to consider.