About a Girl (repost v.2)

[billy]

hi Phaedra, i'm sure i replied to the original but i can't find it if i double up or miss anything forgive me.

I want deeper crit so I can shape this poem up into something good.

Still not sure if I like the title.

-------

remember her
sad jaded guise
faded laughter
fragile child tears
a shade of someone
she could be
anyone much better without dulled vis...

forever
shrouded by smoke
she haunted empty spaces
all she had was impotent rage
and shards of glass

nobody knew her
she was unspoken
in blood she whispered
being alone cuts deeper

tried to hide from herself better stanza making the last line better understood.
and to everyone else
invisible

she asked questions like
wouldn't it be easier to die feels a little weak but the italics do add something.
marked another notch in flesh
festered like an infected wound
full of pus and spite

underneath a bridge
bones taut beneath her skin
gaunt and desperate
desolate

isolated inside herself
intoxicated
drowned herself in noxious spirits i think this and the last stanza are pretty much saying the same thing. could one be incorporated into the other with any redundancies removed?

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

they found her
huddled in a dark corner
greying skin blistered
she finally found company
in little black flies
who swarm lovingly
around her swollen smile
hollow eyes stare blankly
frozen the end is better.

on the whole a good edit. i still think there's more you could do but a step at a time is always the best way

without doing any rewrite (just suggesting)

she had sleeping pills and opiates
which doctors prescribed

could be tightened up to get your point across without too much verbiage.

she had prescribed sleeping
pills and opiates

still some areas that are skirting cliche but a big improvement. good edit.