07-24-2012, 04:58 PM
Yeah, I wanted a literal title but I think mayhaps it doesn't work.
I'll think about cutting "anyone" but I quite like it.
I'll do the she cut though, that works.
I did think of using solitude actually, but it doesn't work because she would never have used that word. Even though she isn't literally speaking in this bit, I feel like it should reflect her language. Also, although they are used interchangably, solitude and loneliness have different connotations. A solitary person brings to mind one who actively chooses to be by themselves. Solitude has positive connotations which loneliness does not. Someone can be solitary/seek solitude but you don't really hear people seeking loneliness, because loneliness is a state where regardless for who is actually around you, you aren't making connections. Lonely people want company but aren't achieving it. Sorry for the massive response over something so small I just felt like justifying my choice of simple words!
I might cut out that bit you noted, I do agree with you, it's heavy. Mind you, it does fit the actual situation. But I do need to make it shorter and that bit is not so relevant as others.
The line about the doctors is there for a few reasons. The first is to make it clear that these drugs that she overdosed on were entirely legal and meant for her. The second is to inform that people were away of her situation and yet they did not prevent her from dying. That line is condemnation. I may have not made that strong enough, I did give some implication with "which/witch doctor" but I don't know if that really is effective. It's not an outright blame to the doctor, but anyone could see she was a time bomb and nobody moved fast enough to save her. She wasn't even 18, she was still a child. Someone should have been watching out for her.
I'll think about the end edit, though I don't think it has the same effect.
Sorry for the ramblings and ravings, it's an emotional subject and I tangent.
I'll think about cutting "anyone" but I quite like it.
I'll do the she cut though, that works.
I did think of using solitude actually, but it doesn't work because she would never have used that word. Even though she isn't literally speaking in this bit, I feel like it should reflect her language. Also, although they are used interchangably, solitude and loneliness have different connotations. A solitary person brings to mind one who actively chooses to be by themselves. Solitude has positive connotations which loneliness does not. Someone can be solitary/seek solitude but you don't really hear people seeking loneliness, because loneliness is a state where regardless for who is actually around you, you aren't making connections. Lonely people want company but aren't achieving it. Sorry for the massive response over something so small I just felt like justifying my choice of simple words!
I might cut out that bit you noted, I do agree with you, it's heavy. Mind you, it does fit the actual situation. But I do need to make it shorter and that bit is not so relevant as others.
The line about the doctors is there for a few reasons. The first is to make it clear that these drugs that she overdosed on were entirely legal and meant for her. The second is to inform that people were away of her situation and yet they did not prevent her from dying. That line is condemnation. I may have not made that strong enough, I did give some implication with "which/witch doctor" but I don't know if that really is effective. It's not an outright blame to the doctor, but anyone could see she was a time bomb and nobody moved fast enough to save her. She wasn't even 18, she was still a child. Someone should have been watching out for her.
I'll think about the end edit, though I don't think it has the same effect.
Sorry for the ramblings and ravings, it's an emotional subject and I tangent.