Birthday

[penguin]

Revised

One year the kids made a photo mosaic,
a diary from warmness to winter’s decaying:
the feeding of bottles and reading of stories,
my hair set in bobbles, the family guffawing;
teaching the beautiful game in the garden,
patiently building sandcastles and snowmen;
watching barbarians ruin my labours
as youngsters mutate into surly teenagers.

My long dark locks are whitened and thinning;
this worshipping congregation has risen
as if all sins were forgot or forgiven
and I a declining church or religion,
desirous of presence and sincere devotion:
receiving lip-service and standard gift tokens.

Original

One year the kids made a photo mosaic,
a diary from warmness to winter’s decaying:
the feeding of bottles and reading of stories,
my hair set in bobbles, the family guffawing;
teaching the beautiful game in the garden,
patiently building sandcastles and snowmen;
watching barbarians ruin my labours
as youngsters mutate into surly teenagers.
My long dark locks are whitened and thinning;
this worshipping congregation has risen
as if all sins were forgot or forgiven
and I a declining church or religion,
desirous of presence and shows of devotion:
receiving lip-service and mere gift tokens.
.

[tectak]

One year the kids made a photo mosaic,
a diary from warmness to winter’s decaying:
the feeding of bottles and reading of stories,
my hair set in bobbles, the family guffawing;
teaching the beautiful game in the garden,
patiently building sandcastles and snowmen;
watching barbarians ruin my labours
as youngsters mutate into surly teenagers.
My long dark locks are whitened and thinning;
this worshipping congregation has risen
as if all sins were forgot or forgiven
and I a declining church or religion,
desirous of presence and shows of devotion:
receiving lip-service and mere gift tokens.

.

Just my cup of tea. Perfect....and I won't retract.You write what I read. You say what I hear and you express what I understand. Are you sure you are not me?
Great stuff.
Best,
trctak

[billy]

One year the kids made a photo mosaic,
a diary from warmness to winter’s decaying:
the feeding of bottles and reading of stories,
my hair set in bobbles, the family guffawing; loved it
teaching the beautiful game in the garden, great line.
patiently building sandcastles and snowmen;
watching barbarians ruin my labours
as youngsters mutate into surly teenagers.
My long dark locks are whitened and thinning;
this worshipping congregation has risen
as if all sins were forgot or forgiven
and I a declining church or religion,
desirous of presence and shows of devotion:
receiving lip-service and mere gift tokens.
.

almost a sonnet. great family poem. i din't do a line by because i' would have had to be picky picky picky. would line 12 and 13 be better as the last line. would make a stronger end couplet. i think a bit of work needs doing on the end rhymes. (the 1st 2 lines) and possibly the last 2.

all in all a good strong poem that i can relate to.

thanks for the read

[Paddygirl]

I think there are a lot who can relate to this

Loved how smoothly the sentiment changed with the growing kids - sandcastles to mutant teens
The bitter- sweetness pours through with the sentiment change and lip-service/mere gift tokens

I feel there is a beat out in the last line

"receiving lip-service and mere gift tokens" (mere gift tokens feels like it jars, but I am going on gut here am sure someone else will put me right on that score)

I will have to come back and check if I am saying the wrong thing, if so...apologies upfront!

Really enjoyed this...

[addy]

I did not expecting the path this poem took... lovely progression. Perhaps when I'm older with kids of my own, I can appreciate it further. It has a levity, but also a gravitas, and is certainly not overwrought even as it reaches the end. I hear what paddygirl's hearing, there's a certain "drop" in the flow at the "... mere gift tokens" point. Despite that, i think it's a good ending

[penguin]

Thanks very much for the replies. It's the last 2 lines I was not happy with. "mere" was a late replacement for "minor". I see now the problem it causes. What about standard gift tokens? The other thing is "shows of devotion" - a show is a pretence, after all. "real devotion" is a bit dull.
I like off rhymes like mosaic/decaying. I'm less keen on thinning/risen.

Best Wishes, Ray

[don miguel]

Nicely crafted, Penguin. I feel you should hand out Werther's Originals for people reading this. But I'm sure it's one you could submit to a magazine as it stands. It puts me in mind of Larkin's 'Lines on a Young Lady's Photograph Album'.

I read it as a sonnet in half-rhymed couplets, written in loose iambic pentameter, although I'm not sure if there is a volta, if that's considered a defining feature, as some don't (who's to say?). The rhymes work well; half-rhymes can be used to suggest disharmony, but not always; and I think fuller rhymes could make the poem too cloying. Lines 2-5 (and others) utilise ternary feet; there are several runs of dactyls that make things trip along nicely, and reflect the happy nostalgia of looking through a photo album; this is accentuated by the internal 'bottles – bobbles' echo, which is a nice touch. Although when this rhythm breaks ('building sandcastles') it's quite noticeable.

'Warmness' (line 2) held me up a bit as it's rather vague and abstract in an otherwise grounded poem. And the list of '-ing' words does become a bit repetitive, but it's quite a 'comfortable' poem, so I think it works ok. Also, I wonder if starting with 'This year' rather than 'One year' makes things more immediate.

I stumbled a bit at line 9, possibly because I was expecting 'have whitened', which implies change from looking at one photo to the next (as you use 'has risen' in the next line); 'are whitened' is more static, and marks a tense shift from past ('made a photo mosaic') to present. I think it all checks out syntactically, but I still think 'have' would be smoother; although of course wouldn't work with 'thinning'.

The mixture of self-aggrandisement (there's a touch of narcissism to 'long dark locks'; the narrator comparing himself to a 'church or religion' over an extended metaphor; the rhetorical syntax and diction: 'and I…', 'desirous of presence') combined with self-pity ('lip-service and mere gift tokens') risks alienating the reader; although I think the gruff humour is evident enough (eg. in the hyperbolic 'barbarians') to allay these concerns.

And I'm sure you know what happens to fathers (Kings, even) who ask for 'shows of devotion' from their offspring…

An enjoyable and well-written poem, Penguin.

[Philatone]

hey ray
some thoughts to take as you will

One year the kids made a photo mosaic, ...like the casual way the poem begins
a diary from warmness to winter’s decaying: ...i get the idea and like it, but feel as though something is missing. a verb like catologuing or tracking? "warmness" felt a bit awkward to me, as did "decaying" instead of "decay" (there were quite a few -ings around as well)
the feeding of bottles and reading of stories,
my hair set in bobbles, the family guffawing; ...nice playing of sounds with the "bottles" and "bobbles"
teaching the beautiful game in the garden, ...i like this listing of memories. "beautiful game" lost me a bit
patiently building sandcastles and snowmen; ...great image and contrasts
watching barbarians ruin my labours ...i get the idea again of barbarians (especially with the "ruining"), but they suddenly convert into this "worshipping congregation" only a few lines later...
as youngsters mutate into surly teenagers.
My long dark locks are whitened and thinning;...meter changes with "my long dark locks"--gives a sense of foreboding to age, though i feel like i'm digging for meaning that may not be present
this worshipping congregation has risen
as if all sins were forgot or forgiven ...sins? did i miss something?what was wrong?
and I a declining church or religion,
desirous of presence and shows of devotion:
receiving lip-service and mere gift tokens. ...everything was great until the "mere", which really sucked a lot of energy away from the line. you can make an argument that it is appropriate considering the disappointment of the end, but i want to get hit with a hammer

enjoyed the read, but several of the things mentioned tripped me up. several of the word choices had me questioning things just a bit. the piece is flooded with images that were largely well-crafted.

[penguin]

Thanks dom miguel.That's several times now I've had Larkinesque stuck on one of my poems. And I do just happen to be a miserable old bastard who likes to keep his books in alphabetical order. Uncanny.
It didn't start out as a sonnet, though it's veered that way. Yes, a lot of -ings. Originally,it started "Last year they made..." but I wanted more distance.
Would "..have whitened, are thinning..." be any good?

Geoff, thanks. The beautiful game is football. Not soccer, don't call it soccer.
With sins, I was trying, in my clumsy way, to show how children stop believing, or at least, being in awe of their parents and the similarities with the decline of, let's say, Christianity. Perhaps sin, singular, might be better.
Anyhow, I've replaced mere with standard and shows of devotion is now sincere devotion.