The Melancholy Angel (v.2)

[Universalchild]

I keep messing around with the form of this... I have V.1 and V.2 here, can I have an opinion on which is better? & obviously any other feedback!

Thank-you!

v.2


Deep within the darkness of a twisted, lonely mind,
began the end of meaning of a life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight, and cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose, stalking patient to her last.

A violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour by his filthy lusts defile,
thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace.

Her wings are made of dust, her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly in old remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss lie cold in groves of vanity.


v.1

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile,
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

[Paddygirl]

I keep messing around with the form of this... I have V.1 and V.2 here, can I have an opinion on which is better? & obviously any other feedback!

Thank-you!

V.1 -

Down inside the darkness
of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning
with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight,
which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose
stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies in
cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour
with his filthy lusts defile,
and thus rain must fall forever,
leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs
like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust,
and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding,
weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly
amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss
await in groves of vanity.

V: 2

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile,
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

Personally, my preference would be v1. S1 L7 I find I am changing the stress on morose though it it may be my pronunciation. Also, S3 'so her wings are made of dust and her eyes are made of glass' would probably be worth another look...just a suggestion " but dropping the so, giving a descriptive to the dust and also losing and, would bring it back into rhythm, in my opinion. Minor nit picks. Otherwise, enjoyed the read.

[Todd]

This is pure preference, and it may be six of one half dozen of the other, but I like the V.2 with its longer lines. Here's some other feedback (I'm going to worry less about the rhyme and stick more with content choices. I realize that any suggested changes will require more changes to accomodate the format). I'm using v2 to give comments to but they will equally hold with v1.

V: 2

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind,--I worry about openings that exist within the mind. It comes off a little static to me. I almost see these types of lines as setup to get to the content. I'd almost go with just starting with the content. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,--I like the end of meaning. Maybe "of a life"
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,--slight paring options maybe cut which is for and. There might also be some sense of visually showing this left-behind life scattered in the moonlight. You get a sense of fragmentation from the line. You also get a potential sense of shame or regret giving that it is not in the light of day
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last.--you could probably cut where and I wonder if beast is stronger gender nuetral "the last". That said, I'm sure it's deliberate so the cut may not be warrented.

Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile,--I keep either wanting to see articles added (A) violated garden, (the) cooling ashes...or cutting a bit I'm not fond of lies or cooling here. Probably just a preference but I think tightening might be stronger.
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile,--should with be which? I would be interested to see you carry this image of the flower stripped of color more thoughout the poem. It's an interesting image and it might be able to do a lot of work for you as a broader metaphor.
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,--like the line though you could probably cut the and
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace.--I like as glitter on the cobwebs. Do you really need the first the before liquid. Just a thought.

So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,--again I really like these nature images here I like the weaving words bit...it shows the speaker's escape from what has afflicted her
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

I liked the read. I feel my comments may have been all over the place. I hope some of them will be helpful. If they aren't please disregard.

Best,

Todd

[penguin]

I think you should be attending to some flaws in grammar and meaning. Then worry about the form.


where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last. - this line would make more sense as "...morosely stalking, dogged to the last."

Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile, - I'd seriously consider what this line is suopposed to convey.
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile, - "which" his filthy lusts?
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace. - nice comparison.

So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

I can go along with the first line but "weaving words of grass" "groves of vanity" - I cannot fit them into the context of this poem. They seem to exist solely to satisfy the need for a rhyme.

[don miguel]

I don't wish to sound uncharitable, Universalchild, but I think my advice would be to post this under the 'Mild Critique' section.

I read a lot of contemporary poetry, and have a lot of stuff I haven't got round to reading by published poets, so, after having forced myself past the unpromisingly archaic title, I must admit I switched off at the second line because I didn't think this poem had anything to offer me. Sorry, but this is the 'Serious Critique' section, and that's my honest answer.

Keep writing though, and as I say, perhaps post this in the Mild Critique section to pick up some more advice on how to improve.

[tectak]

I keep messing around with the form of this... I have V.1 and V.2 here, can I have an opinion on which is better? & obviously any other feedback!

Thank-you!

V.1 -

Down inside the darkness
of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning
with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight,
which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose
stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies in
cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour
with his filthy lusts defile,
and thus rain must fall forever,
leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs
like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust,
and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding,
weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly
amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss
await in groves of vanity.

V: 2

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies in cooling ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile,
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

Forget the format for the time being.Forget the need to rhyme. Forget the urge to be a wordsmith. Just use words that make sense. The ideas are good. The use of language lets you down......you are better than this.
Best,
tectak

[Universalchild]

@Paddygirl

Good advice, will take into consideration when I edit!

Thanks a lot.

@Todd

Thank-you, your advice is really sound and I will definitely take it on board when I edit. Just a little note, the reason it is "the liquid" rather then just "liquid" is because I feel that on it's own "liquid" is just too generic, whereas "the liquid" gives it a sense of being... Well, the liquid : P Makes it seem specific, which it is. Liquid on lace could just mean wet frilly bits, whereas this is meant to be imagery of semen on a girls undergarments. I don't know, I just felt like making it "the liquid" gave it more force. Oh, and "her last" is the girl in question... The beast is definitely male.

@penguin

That would be why I posted it here, of course.

I really don't like the word dogged, but I get where you are coming from and will make some alterations on that line.

Each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lusts defile... Like dirt is stripped with bleach. His "filthy lusts defile" is being turned into an agent of removal. The flower is stripped of colour by his defiling, not stripped and then he defiles them. Maybe by would work better then with?

And on the "violated garden lies in cooling ashes for her smile" ... What do you mean by consider it? The garden is meant to represent her sexuality, extended by the consistant use of nature in the poem, and the idea of the cooling ashes is meant to call upon the traditional "flame" symbol for passion/sexual desire, now cooling ashes (not even a small flame or glowing embers, but nearly gone completely)

"weaving words of golden grass" - This is a complicated one, because I will admit it being grass fits the rhyme, ideally it would be hay or straw. However I think grass is very close to straw (: P maybe vaguely...) so I think a bit of licensing is allowed here. The golden straw image is meant to mimic that of the rapunzel fairy tale (I tried to have an almost dark fairy tale like theme in the poem) where the girl is forced by the king to make and spin straw/hay into golden thread. I know spinning is different to weaving but I'm playing on it a bit here. It was just meant to be a dark fairy tale image representing the abuse of women by men. Particularly her being locked in her own personal mental hell and the futility of her task - which is simply to try and live her life. I think this is a difficult metaphor to grasp though, especially as I have deviated for my own purposes.
Spinning golden hay doesn't have the same ring to it, in my opinion.

"groves of vanity" - Again with the fairy tale image, I tried to create a picture of old ruins and a forest while tying it in with her. The choice of "vanity" was both because I had used "reflections" and because of another meaning of "vanity" meaning "worthless" - essentially that line is saying that her consistant focusing on her past live is vain. It is pointless. Nothing is ever gained from it.

I think my symbolism is a bit poorly done. I do apologize.

@don miguel

I appreciate that you don't like it, but I want serious criticism, not mild. I only put things in mild when it's something I'm unsure about, but I'm not unsure with this poem. I know it isn't fantastic, but I think it's alright. I appreciate your honesty, but I am a big fan of old poetry, and it does bleed into my own poems sometimes. Not always though c: Some of my poems posted here like "Bleach" and "Rockstar" are completely modern. This is meant to be archaic though. I tried very hard for it to be haha.

Also, technically melancholy is only archaic when refering to black bile. I mean, I still use the word melancholy when describing someone who is very depressed. I wouldn't say I use it often, but at least once a year it'll pop out of my mouth. It's just another word for sadness, but I think it conveys a deeper level of thought.

@tectak

Okay, I can concede I've abused language in places with this poem, I will tidy it up.
I was trying too hard to make it rhyme without changing the end words.

I could use some help with where I have gone wrong. I can sort of see it in places but I'm not great at picking through my own work - it's why I post in places like this rather then just edit on my own.