The Anxiety Tree. *First ever poem posted

[Timmycom]

Anxious are my roots;
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease,
I am Infected
By the spores that
Float callously in
the wind,
your wind;
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor
-Cascading down through my branches
Until they can fall
No more.

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

[Philatone]

hey timmy! welcome man


my thoughts on this (removing the format just for the sake of the critique)

Anxious are my roots;...now, you say that the thoughts go beyond feelings, but they are...anxious? i can play along
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease,...need the capital "s" in "sore"?
I am Infected...you know, in a certain way, this is the start of the poem, not the first four lines.
By the spores that
Float callously in
the wind, ...this line could be removed
your wind;...maybe a period instead of a semicolon; a stronger break would give the reader a good pause after a heavy start. i'm interested by this "wind"
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor..until now, you've been specific with tree parts. "forest floor", while it extends you to a larger area, also makes you more broad than "branches" and "roots". I think something more personal to you and trees ("trunk" maybe?) would keep the consistency a bit better
-Cascading down through my branches...i'm taking that "cascading" refers to "leaves". may be hard to adjust, but for me, "leaves" is just a little too far from this phrase. probably a personal preference
Until they can fall
No more. ...i like the end; I think stopping on "fall" could be a little stronger. e.g, "Until, no longer,/ can they fall


22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

i like what you have done. the beginning has stronger acoustics than content I think, but the images and ideas get stronger as you progress. I would propose chopping off the first four lines, but that's just a suggestion. thanks for the read

[addy]

I like that it reminds me of some kind of carbon cycle for an isolated tree- natural, cyclical, organic- and how you can trace that from beginning to end. Lovely read.

Anxious are my roots; I quite like this line. I've felt something like this before
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core, The thought seems wrong, somehow. I know that given the configuration of a tree you are working from the ground up, but "transcending" and "going to the core" just seem like opposing ideas to me
For Sore with disease,
I am Infected not sure why "sore" and "infected" are capitalized
By the spores that
Float callously in
the wind,
your wind; I take it is only "your" wind in the sense that it is full of "your" spores? In any case, "your wind" is a much stronger standalone line than "the wind"
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor how about "my loam" or something akin to that?
-Cascading down through my branches i think you lost your subject a bit... weren't you talking about the wind, not the leaves?
Until they can fall
No more.

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

[Leanne]

Anxious are my roots;
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core, -- this is a bit of a nothing line for me; "feelings" is a fairly vague word and "core"... well, that's not really your fault but it's been overdone by emos and it makes me squirm a bit now! I do like the sonics of it rhyming off "sore" and "spores" but personally, I think it adds very little if anything to the poem
For Sore with disease, -- why "for"? With "sore" following, this doesn't really trip off the tongue
I am Infected
By the spores that
Float callously in
the wind,
your wind; -- a more puerile reader than I would snigger at so much wind
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor -- two "infects" in one small poem might be overdoing it -- a synonym here perhaps?
-Cascading down through my branches
Until they can fall
No more.

I like the metaphor and the notion of that insidious, unavoidable contamination of another's thoughts/ presence. A bit of tightening up will help but it's got a good solid base.

[Indie]

Anxious are my roots;
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease, IMO taking out for will give this line more power.
I am Infected
By the spores that
Float callously in
the wind,
your wind; agree with Leanne here, but I did snigger at the extra wind
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor
-Cascading down through my branches Don't think you need the - before cascading, it's not grammatically or aesthetically needed.
Until they can fall
No more.


22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

I understand what you're trying to say, but the ending feels overwritten. Sometimes less is more, and in this case IMO it needs simplifying. Some nice lines in there, just needs a bit of tightening up.

[billy]

do you mean 'ever here' or 'ever ever' if it's the latter then i'm impressed

Anxious are my roots;
The thoughts that transcend The trouble with having caps to start every line is that i see this line as needing a period,
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease, for feels redundant
I am Infected
By the spores that i'd suggest moving up 'float' to end this line
Float callously in and 'the wind' to this line
the wind,
your wind;
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor
-Cascading down through my branches i'd suggest removing down and moving this and the next line under 'It blows my broken leaves' and removing 'down to' from that line. (just a suggestion)
Until they can fall
No more.

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

great to see your 1st poem.

i'm not sure the centre align does it any good. it does read just as well, left justified. the enjambment in an odd place or two felt a bit off but other than that i enjoyed the read, and the 1st line really sets the poem up for the rest of the extended metaphor. i got stuck a bit on the toadstool line but thats probably my fault.

thanks for the read.

[tectak]

Anxious are my roots;no rhyme scheme so why not "my roots are anxious"though less archaic still not any more sensible"
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease,transcend is the wrong word use.Transfer or transport?Metaphor lost already. Why core?
I am Infected
By the spores that
Float callously incallously is not an attribute of the floating spore. incorrect word again
the wind,
your wind;Big no to this comical relief
It blows my broken leaves down tometaphor returned but next line is utterly confused...metaphorically, mycologically and informatively
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor health is affected not infected. Wrong word use
-Cascading down through my branches
Until they can fall
No more.

a weak and abrupt ending. I was expecting the cry of "Timber!!! at the very least.

Hi timmy.
As you can tell, I was not best pleased with this effort. You are bursting with the pressure of poetry but have not got the necessary controls in place. First off, check your word use. Forget about the form, that will come. You must become confident in what you are trying to say.....both by choice of words and ipso facto, by the relationship between words. You began with a visually strong metaphor which CAN work....but you must commit to it accurately. One example is the use of "core". A missed opportunity...a tree has heart(wood) not core wood.
Overall, the piece is not tight. Excessive growth needs pruningeg. look at the title."Ever" is redundant. Lose it.
I will look forward to your edit.
Best,
tectak

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

[Timmycom]

do you mean 'ever here' or 'ever ever' if it's the latter then i'm impressed

Anxious are my roots;
The thoughts that transcend The trouble with having caps to start every line is that i see this line as needing a period,
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease, for feels redundant
I am Infected
By the spores that i'd suggest moving up 'float' to end this line
Float callously in and 'the wind' to this line
the wind,
your wind;
It blows my broken leaves down to
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor
-Cascading down through my branches i'd suggest removing down and moving this and the next line under 'It blows my broken leaves' and removing 'down to' from that line. (just a suggestion)
Until they can fall
No more.

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

great to see your 1st poem.

i'm not sure the centre align does it any good. it does read just as well, left justified. the enjambment in an odd place or two felt a bit off but other than that i enjoyed the read, and the 1st line really sets the poem up for the rest of the extended metaphor. i got stuck a bit on the toadstool line but thats probably my fault.

thanks for the read.

The centre align is really just to try and help aid the shape of a tree in your mind. That was my aim anyway. I am glad you agree that the first line sets up the poem, and I thank you for your comments - Seriously there's a lot to think about now.

---

Anxious are my roots;no rhyme scheme so why not "my roots are anxious"though less archaic still not any more sensible"
The thoughts that transcend
Feelings into my core,
For Sore with disease,transcend is the wrong word use.Transfer or transport?Metaphor lost already. Why core?
I am Infected
By the spores that
Float callously incallously is not an attribute of the floating spore. incorrect word again
the wind,
your wind;Big no to this comical relief
It blows my broken leaves down tometaphor returned but next line is utterly confused...metaphorically, mycologically and informatively
The toadstools of you
that infect the health of my forest floor health is affected not infected. Wrong word use
-Cascading down through my branches
Until they can fall
No more.

a weak and abrupt ending. I was expecting the cry of "Timber!!! at the very least.

Hi timmy.
As you can tell, I was not best pleased with this effort. You are bursting with the pressure of poetry but have not got the necessary controls in place. First off, check your word use. Forget about the form, that will come. You must become confident in what you are trying to say.....both by choice of words and ipso facto, by the relationship between words. You began with a visually strong metaphor which CAN work....but you must commit to it accurately. One example is the use of "core". A missed opportunity...a tree has heart(wood) not core wood.
Overall, the piece is not tight. Excessive growth needs pruningeg. look at the title."Ever" is redundant. Lose it.
I will look forward to your edit.
Best,
tectak

22-02-2010
TDJ Tovey.

You're comments are fair, Thanks.

[Erthona]

Hey TC, glad to see you.

I can't say I am enamored of concrete poetry, but the image is very obviously a tree with it's roots below ground (or an upside down tree). With the ground beginning with

"It blows my broken leaves down to"

As it is concrete poetry, it is difficult to recommend changes as it generally effects the visual shape. However you could be consistent with your use of capitols. Some times you use them at the start of a line, and sometimes not.

I'll pick on one thing (I'll leave "core" alone as it has already been picked on and picked over )

This phrase

"The thoughts that transcend Feelings into my core, For Sore with disease, I am "

I would rephrase as

There are thoughts that transcend the feelings at my core; for Sore with disease I am.

(or possibly "the feelings that solidify my core".)

A clearer phrasing is needed as you are setting up a duality between thoughts and feelings as though they are at war and need clear definition if this is to make sense.

To state "transcend ________ into". You cannot transcend into, when into means towards inner. Inner implies down, from the surface inward. Transcend means to "rise above or go beyond".

Maybe overpower would be a better word choice.

Thoughts overpower the feelings at my core. That would mean that you are having doubts about your idea of you, or the world. It would basically mean your faith is shaken. I don't know if that is what you are meaning to say, but that is generally the situation from which anxiety arises. which is also why I think you used "core" as in core values/ or core ideas are being threatened. I mean that is usually how it happens. We encounter an idea that makes sense, but it contradicts one of our basic assumptions about the world, or we are rejected by someone we are in love with, and it shakes our self image, or as some would say, our confidence.

Anyway, I do like the overall image, especially the "toadstools of you", I just think you need more clarity in the overall expression. As someone mentioned, you might just drop the visual aspect for the moment and work on the poem so you are not hindered by the shape problem. I think this idea is good enough that it will stand quite well without resorting to concrete poetry.

That's my take. Glad you dropped by, hope you stay around. You also might try putting things in mild critique if you don't want such aggressive criticism

Glad to see you,


Dale