What Elephants Remember

[Philatone]

V. 4

Months of sunlight
open envelopes of memory,
the march to ponds

with softer brush for mother's
broken teeth, years before her ivory
fell to dust like slabs of marble.

Those tusks,
chiseled from a nimbus
of elephant leather,

never left.
They embrace the tall stalks
that fed her when the fields dried,

soothed her hollow gums;
held her head
when death refused.

Those white knives
who carved baobab trunks
with names for thirst

won't stop hiding
in every spread of elephant grass
too thin to hide

curls of tooth, bone,
how it hurts
to remember and forget.

V. 3

What Elephants Remember

Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers
photographs of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.

To a calf, those tusks had hung
overhead like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud of grey,

stiffened into marble headstones
at the grave. The softened blades
fed her mother when the fields

dried, and soothed her jaws when passing
teeth too old to grow again;
held her head when death refused.

Queens cannot give back a crown,
just a name to those buried
in Uganda grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget.







v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy

Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble torn from mines.

To a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into plated
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too.







V. 1
Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble in a field.

As a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into dentin,
pulp, and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too.

[billy]

Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers: i like the opening, specially the 2nd line. drawers having more than one meaning.
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble in a field. field seems a bit week when you can use words like veldt as well as many others

As a calf, those tusks had hung it reads a little that the calf had tusks
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only 2 L's in chiselled, nice images in this stanza

to unravel into dentin, while dentin is probably the right word, it feels out of place, how about a metaphor or simile?
pulp, and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too. the grammar is messing with my head.

i thought the last stanza was the weakest and i thing it should have been the strongest (if you wanted to hit a nerve or emotion in the reader)

the 1st and last line of it are the problem area. the 1st line doesn't have the sensibility of the subject matter connected to it.

i did enjoy the piece a lot and have read it more than a few times. i think an edit aimed at the last stanza would make this one a real gem.

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

billy
think the l's in "chiselled" is an American vs. British thing

going to take a look and make adjustments, especially regarding the last stanza; thanks for the time!

[billy]

i should have guessed

[addy]

Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble in a field. Comparing ivory to marble in whiteness sounds a little superfluous, but maybe that's just me.


As a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only Gorgeous description. Super minor nit, not sure "in the air" is perfect... "suspended" or even "over her" would sound less unsure.

to unravel into dentin,
pulp, and blood as an adult "with age"?,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too. Yeah, this is too much of a run on sentence i think

Very lovely piece, and what a joy to read. For some reason I read a little bit of a disjoint between the narrative in the first stanza versus the narrative onwards... perhaps because the first stanza seemed to make broader sweeping statements about elephant matriarchs in general, while in the second stanza you start to present more of a unique individual snapshot (as if it were the memories of a very specific "her"). Maybe pick one slant over the other (I prefer the latter tack actually)

[Indie]

v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy

Matriarchs may store the most IMO the word "may" weakens this line, like the short version of maybe
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble torn from mines. white isn't needed, as it's assumed that bones and ivory are white, so therefore the marble will be white to. I envisioned white without being told it

To a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder I like these lines but IMO I find them a little contradictory in the imagery used
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into plated
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too. enjoyed the ending. No nits here

[billy]

v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy

Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble torn from mines. works better

To a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder i liked addy's idea that air wasn't the best phrase
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into plated this line is still a little confusing though i'm sure it's my fault
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too. it's that [commar (,) too] thats messing it up for me.







V. 1
Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble in a field.

As a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into dentin,
pulp, and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too.

i like what you did with the 1st stanza.

[tectak]

billy
think the l's in "chiselled" is an American vs. British thing

going to take a look and make adjustments, especially regarding the last stanza; thanks for the time!

Hi phil,
I have given this a read and feel that your first service was fast but out of court!
I think your second serve will be more controlled and cautious so I am going to try a return once you lob it my way.
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Hello Geoff. The first verse is lovely, except I think it would be so much better if it ended on a word like marble, rather than mines.
I like chiseled/unravel/adult. The rest I don't like so much. You've got a pretty long sentence there, 9 lines. A semi-colon after cloud would help, maybe after adult too. There doesn't seem to be much justification for ending a line on "with". Actually, you ought to revisit several of the line-breaks in that last verse, I think.

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

Sorry I've come so late to this...either way here are some comments for you:

I love the title. That said, and this may fully just be me, I want the poem to deliver more emotional power. I feel like it needs more specificity to have the payoff it needs.

v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy

Matriarchs may store the most--consider dropping the may your opening needs to be more authoritative
in their cerebellum drawers:--I'm not fond of cerebellum drawers. It feels a little too forced (IMO)
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'--photographs feels a little off here too much of a man thing than the way an elephant would remember. Even if you are slipping into metaphor it's a bit too abrupt
bone and silent ivory,--lovely line just beautiful
white as marble torn from mines.--I wonder if you could rephrase this idea above the previous line so that you could end S1 with "bone and silent ivory" it's simply a more evocative way to tie it up

--I think S2 and S3 should probably be combined.

To a calf, those tusks had hung--you may not need had
in the air like strokes of thunder--love this
chiseled from a cloud, only--again maybe just me but I'd break on cloud it's a strong image and while I would normally break the line as you have done, it just feels off like it robs something from the image...oh, and I do like chiseled being pared with cloud it expresses permanence in a memory

to unravel into plated
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with--stronger than may perhaps will
names for every body buried--love this...one option is to italicize a short litany of some names that sound like they could be what elephants might call each other...just a thought
in the softened grass, not knowing--wonderful line...I love in the softened grass and the break on not knowing and how that plays against the title
how it hurts to forget, too.--please drop the too...end on forget it would be stronger.

A lot of opinion in there I know. I hope some of it will be helpful to you. Tons of potential with this one.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

wow, quite a rapid response. a quick thank you to everyone; i see potential with this, but it's really taken a lot of scrubbing. I think the revision may make things easier in the process. have really considered what everyone has said, thanks for the time.

-addy
hope to have addressed the white on white comparison, as well as the last stanza

-indie
hope to have kept the integrity of the last stanza but in an improved form. agreed with the other comments, though the "contradictory" bit on the images in the second stanza eluded me a bit

-billy
completely different take on the last stanza; hope to have addressed the old problems, but probably introduced some new ones

-tec
i admit the first revision was a quick band-aid for some issues i saw in the early stanzas

-ray
agree; the length of the line was a real detraction for the piece and made it less enjoyable. i hope the new version is a step in the right direction

-todd
i kept photographs, though your point is extremely valid. if it is still a bother, i can consider further, but for now i wanted to focus on more urgent changes. i think i was able to keep a number of the stronger lines or at least their sentiments, though i may be wrong on all counts. i think you get the same feeling i do from the title. this feels like it should be something, and i really want to get it there. it's been quite a wrestling match, though, which i guess is fitting. this piece is sucking days from me...literally

[tectak]

V. 3
Hi Phil. I think I like this so am not inclined to brutalise with the Cudgel of Crit. There ae, however, some little quirks which might be deliberate, might not be. If I spot some nits it's because they are visible for me, and not necessarily to everyone else
What Elephants Remember

Behind the maps to water holes,"....maps to" not sure about. Usually "...directions to" or " maps of" or "maps showing". Compromise suggestion "Behind her maps showing water holes"
one matron keeps locked in drawersThis whole line, and the next, has become too humanised and is far removed from the simplistic thinking which I believe you are trying to instill in the beast. Talk of drawers and photographs is not elephant enough, if you get my drift. Compromise suggestion "She holds locked in cerebral recall
photographs of her mother's images of her mother's bones and silent ivory."
bone and silent ivory.

To a calf, those tusks had hungGet back the maternal imagery with "to her calf
overhead like strokes of thunder I like this astute observation but cannot get "strokes of thunder" metaphorically clear. CS."To a calf those tusks had thrust, overhead shards of lightening,
cleaved from a cloud of grey
chiseled from a cloud of grey,

stiffened into marble headstonesYour usual war of attrition with punctuation leaves this next stanza woefully open to misinterpretation
at the grave. The softened blades...and though I get the marble headstone bit I cannot get the "stiffened" link. It implies that the tusks were soft in life and stiff in death. Am I being too literal? Similar, if not identical, puzzlement with "softened blades". Are you trying to describe the gentle touch of the tusks, mother to calf? If so then say "gentle" as ..." the gentle touch"
and fed her mother when the fields

dried, and soothed her jaws when passing
teeth too old to grow again;
held her head when death refused.Yes to this imagery. It is nicely elephant....yet suitably empathetic enough to draw on human emotion. Very well done

Queens cannot give back a crown,
just a name to those buried
in Uganda grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget.I can feel your mind working through this final stanza and would not even begin to disavow you of the joy and relief and satisfaction in this ending. I call this commitment verse....and I liked it a lot. I have a returning interest in this sort of anthropomorphising verse, as mentioned before with the "series" of poems I have embarked upon, and pinned up on this site, which so far includes Camels, Lions and (not completed) snakes. It is a very difficult discipline to get right , especially for you, the author. You did well to avoid the thinking trunk and the dumbo ears!
My pickiness is a distraction to detract me from my desire to launch an Exocet at your uniquely styled vessel. Even an Exocet would not sink you, I fear!
Best,
tectak







v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy

Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble torn from mines.

To a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into plated
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too.







V. 1
Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble in a field.

As a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into dentin,
pulp, and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too.

[Universalchild]

V. 3

What Elephants Remember

Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers I'm not so sure about the drawers.
photographs of her mother's
bone and silent ivory. I really like this line.

To a calf, those tusks had hung
overhead like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud of grey, All of this stanza is brilliant, I love the imagery!

stiffened into marble headstones
at the grave. The softened blades
fed her mother when the fields Very touching, still great imagery.

dried, and soothed her jaws when passing
teeth too old to grow again;
held her head when death refused.

Queens cannot give back a crown,
just a name to those buried
in Uganda grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget. I like the ending line, but I don't like the starting one. I don't think it is as relevant.

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

The revision is a step forward. Here are the things that still feel a bit off to me:

[hide]
V. 3

What Elephants Remember

Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers--maybe "away" instead of in drawers
photographs of her mother's--another vote with tec on images
bone and silent ivory.

To a calf, those tusks had hung--again tec's her comment is good unless your having her simply reflect on the span of a life. Though reflecting that her child will one day go the way of her mother could still justify her
overhead like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud of grey,

stiffened into marble headstones--maybe cut headstones and alter to stiffened into the marble of the grave
at the grave. The softened blades
fed her mother when the fields--really like this sequence how you develop it

dried, and soothed her jaws when passing
teeth too old to grow again;
held her head when death refused.--nice

Queens cannot give back a crown,--not liking queens though the taking of a crown isn't bad in itself
just a name to those buried
in Uganda grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget.--I like the addition of Uganda grass and how it leads to the ending.

So, a definite step forward. I also like the new structure it feels less forced.

Best,

Todd

[penguin]

I really liked that 1st verse before!
keeps locked in drawers - sounds a bit ugly somehow to me. keeps in storage?
silent ivory and bone?
I thought "overhead" and "chiselled" ought to be end words, so I messed about a bit

Those tusks had once hung overhead
like strokes of thunder chiselled
from a cloud of grey marble
headstones at the grave

I think the rest of the poem is an improvement on what you had before. Though I don't understand "passing teeth".
Semi-colon after crown?

[Erthona]

Geoff,

For me the intro is confusing:

Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers
photographs of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.

There is really nothing to indicate that this is a memory we are talking about (yes I know the title). But mainly I don't get the need for the use of terms like drawers and photographs. Why not

Behind maps to water holes,
one matron keeps (safely locked in memory)
the images of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.

Plus I am unclear about the "bone" part. Is this in reference to her mother's bones? Then shouldn't it bones? And aren't the bones silent as well as the ivory (hopefully you are not attempting a pun here. Well, it would need to be ivories anyway). Considering you focus on the tusks from here on, I'm not sure you even need to mention "bone".

In this:

To a calf, those tusks had hung
overhead like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud of grey,
stiffen(ing) into marble headstones
at (her) grave.

Aren't tusks generally white? I don't get the usage of grey.
I think you should make that a stanza and avoid the enjambment as it really doesn't do anything for the poem.

I like this idea, I just don't understand why you are being so coy with it.

Sorry, a bit rushed.

Dale

[Philatone]

dale, ray, todd, universal, tec, and all who have helped


I've appreciated your feedback and help with this. I've decided to take the piece in a new direction; currently, it strikes me as focusing on details that it shouldn't be, and it also feels more detached, to me, than I would like. I hope to have a rather dramatically different version up soon--guidance with that would be appreciated. I hope the new direction takes the piece towards the potential I think it has

thanks for your help with everything

[billy]

why did you get rid of matriarch?

V. 3

What Elephants Remember

Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers [a matriarch works better i think]
photographs of her mother's
bone and silent ivory. i think the edit in this stanza went a tad to far

To a calf, those tusks had hung
overhead like strokes of thunder comma after overhead i think
chiseled from a cloud of grey,

stiffened into marble headstones
at the grave. The softened blades
fed her mother when the fields not sure if the enjambment works here

dried, and soothed her jaws when passing
teeth too old to grow again;
held her head when death refused. i think this stanza is superbly done

Queens cannot give back a crown,
just a name to those buried
in Uganda grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget. strong closing that works well.

i think the edit as a whole works okay though i'm not keen on the edits n the 1st stanza. it just feels like you lost your head a little there

[Philatone]

new version is up; everything has been completely reworked

[Leanne]

OK Geoff, I'm only looking at the latest version because I've been slack, so apologies if I repeat anything that's already been said/done. I had a read over the other versions and wow! The transformation is extreme! In the editing process, you have brought out the real poem.

V. 4

Drought had led us -- led? forced?
to the water
hole, Uganda
grasses softer
than the sun
soaked dust.

Mother must have
known the time.
We lost her
until sunset;
could not tell
a flick of her -- lovely enjambment

tail from the weeds,
or find a flash -- do tusks flash? I know the colour would theoretically stand out against the grasses, but flash gives a connotation of brightness and the ivory isn't polished when it's still on its owner
of her tusks, once
hung like strokes
of thunder over
our own. -- fantastic simile

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting
how her missing teeth
had once devoured

its daughters—
how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
We found her
cold as desert -- this stanza and the preceding are my favourite, they're incredibly emotive

and, to be honest, -- not at all keen on "to be honest" -- the honesty is implicit and the phrase itself is just a filler
did not want
to take away
as much of her
as we did
as we left.