Future Beach

[Universalchild]

I apologise for posting another poem so soon, but this one just fell out of me today and I really want to work it into something good.

I fear it doesn't have much rhythm, and it's also the first non-rhyming poem I've done in a while. I am worried it doesn't all connect together well. So please be as harsh as you like! I want to turn it into something good.

-----------------

v.2

Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak,
where processed plastic particles
make the spectacular ivory sands.
It's a stark and white sterile paradise,
where the beguiling ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste,
and beneath lie broken sharp debris
or sometimes shards of bone.

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference,
waves rising, claw desperate at the shore,
pale seafoam horses form nightmares.
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals,
then sit and watch the sunset bleed.

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acidic rain down below,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday,
crouched in fetal position,
exposed, soak silently in ultra-violet rays,
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury each other alive.

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a biohazard symbol printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down, eyes empty,
quietly she starts talking
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine.

-----------------

v.1

Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak,
where processed plastic particles
are crushed to make the sand.
It's a stark and white sterile paradise,
be careful where you put your feet,
for the ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste,
and beneath lie broken sharp debris
or sometimes shards of glass.

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference,
waves rising claw desperate at the shore,
the pale seafoam horses now form nightmares.
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals,
then sit and watch the sunset bleed.

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acid rain down on the ground,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday,
crouched in fetal position,
soak silently in ultra-violet rays,
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury eachother alive.

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,
she starts talking, but not to anyone
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine.

[billy]

post as many as you wish but leave a bit of feedback in other places.

i'll give it a read and leave a reply in a short while

[Universalchild]

I've been making an effort to give feedback : 3

Thanks!

[Erthona]

I don't know. I don't think the form is the problem with this, I think it is the lack of imagination. This comes across like a lot of the religious poetry you see on AP, et al. It's just too heavy on the proselytizing. I also think you are reaching way to far to make a point. Evidently it is easier to make an unimaginable amount of little plastic balls, than it is to clean the sand. Also, you would tend to see aluminum and plastic in the water instead of glass, as no one uses glass bottle anymore.

I'm not sure what effect you were trying for with such phrases as

"take a barren romantic walk across
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals,"

Why would the romantic walk be barren and the dunes dreamy?

It would be better to say "take a once romantic walk across dunes now made from petrochemicals."

But still, it's a bit of beating a dead horse. Beaches are now plastic instead of sand, oceans are full of human shit, skies are polluted and no more ozone hole, got it. The problem is, except for the ozone hole, all of these things have improved in first world countries, pollution of this kind was much worse when I was younger. In third world countries it is different. In 1991 when I was in Bangkok this sort of pollution was very much in evidence, especially in the large river that wound through the city. It is a major transportation artery and it plied by long skinny boats using two stroke engines to turn the propeller at the end of a long shaft. Not only is the water a disgusting brown, but it smells like a sewer, and I swear I saw more than a few chunks floating by. All of the natives know not to even touch the water as it is so toxic. I was told that all the sewage for the area was dumped into the river, and the waste of 10 million plus people is considerable. However, not far away there are islands out in the ocean that this river empties into and the water there is as nice as in the Bahamas. I am not suggesting we dump our sewage into the ocean, but were we to do so one would only see local effects, it would not turn the ocean brown. Now if you want to talk fertilizer run off from farming creating red blooms and dead fish you could make a point, but natural human excrement doesn't appear to present the sea with too much of a problem.

Dale

[Universalchild]

I see your point, but this is meant to be a cynical voice who is partly parodying an advertisement of a seaside holiday, like the kind given in the early ninteenhundreds. It is also set in the future, an assumed future where pollution is worse. Also, plastic really is grounded down and dumped in the sea, I am exagerating real problems. This is pessimistic and definitely not a realistic view on current beaches. My inspiration is dystopia scifi, one of me fave genres. I know that sort of thing isn't everybodies cup of tea though. Thanks a lot for the feedback xxx

[Erthona]

If this is not grounded in current reality, I fail to understand what you are being cynical about.

Dale

[Universalchild]

Basically, it is an exaggeration of current environmental reality projected by a voice speaking at us from his or her place in time. Maybe I didn't make the futuristic side of it more obvious?

[Philatone]

hey universal!
some thoughts

I apologise for posting another poem so soon, but this one just fell out of me today and I really want to work it into something good.

I fear it doesn't have much rhythm, and it's also the first non-rhyming poem I've done in a while. I am worried it doesn't all connect together well. So please be as harsh as you like! I want to turn it into something good.

-----------------


Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak,...not a rhyming poem? the first two lines begin to suggest otherwise
where processed plastic particles
are crushed to make the sand.
It's a stark and white sterile paradise,
be careful where you put your feet,
for the ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste,
and beneath lie broken sharp debris
or sometimes shards of glass.

...ok, it reads like a news report. until now, it is almost as if prose would be a stronger form than poetry. my guess is that your intentions and ideas right now are very large and you want to convey everything. in doing so, the details you do post get the shaft; nothing receives enough focus. i'm floating from one idea to the next too quickly to develop any sort of connection to them. you have made a large, but shallow, pool

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference, ...what does this look like? I am at a loss
waves rising claw desperate at the shore,...i think this is the strongest line of the stanza, but it is flirting with old and used ideas
the pale seafoam horses now form nightmares.
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across...a bit cliche, romantic walk. make it new
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals,
then sit and watch the sunset bleed.
...this gets closer to the focus that the first stanza needs. it pays attention to the water. still, this is not enough. I'm being told too much. For example, the first line gives me nothing to imagine. "The sea comes in many shades of brown" is a great opportunity to use simile, metaphor, or some kind of image that a reader would not expect. The reader needs to connect with, to relate to, what is being said. Try to introduce experiences into it, rather than relying on colors alone (speaking about the first line in particular). As is, the line does give information, but does so without much flair or soul.

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acid rain down on the ground,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday,
crouched in fetal position,
soak silently in ultra-violet rays,
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury eachother alive.

A sign states 'surf at your own risk' ...I like the specificity of the sign
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,
she starts talking, but not to anyone..."but not to anyone" is clear in the "she is passed by" a couple of lines down. I don't think you need it
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine.

my comments for the rest of the poem were really summed up by what i wrote in the line-by. you have a world here. perhaps it has been too condensed and bit too dramatic for what you need. I would pick one stanza to really hone and chisel away at (maybe the second?). i hope a little of this can be helpful

[addy]

Don't apologize for posting poems, we love seeing them around

You've got lots of images that stand alone great, but some that are repetitive or not really noteworthy. Trim away those lines and focus on hacking away at a few choice details in order to build a starker, more unnerving dystopic picture. Choose which cuts and blows would make the most impact in the mind's eye. Everything else that's not as interesting can be safely left to ambiguity and imagination.

-----------------


Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak,
where processed plastic particles I think it's redundant to crush particles (they're already small), so maybe you mean something else
are crushed to make the sand.
It's a stark and white sterile paradise, Not sure if you need this line
be careful where you put your feet,
for the ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste,
and beneath lie broken sharp debris
or sometimes shards of glass. nor this

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference,
waves rising claw desperate at the shore,
the pale seafoam horses now form nightmares. I found this image interesting (made me think sickly green, ala the apocalypse horseman)
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty too many adjectives? spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals,
then sit and watch the sunset bleed.

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acid rain down on the ground,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday,
crouched in fetal position,
soak silently in ultra-violet rays, I feel you can up the dramatic ante here, beyond "soak silently"... it's verging on radiation-level creepy but you didn't quite take it there
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury each other alive. This could probably be shortened, and given more bite: "As wide-eyed children build refuse castles and bury each other alive".... would you also be amenable to "blinded children or something of the ilk?

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath ... a little predictable, maybe there's a way to make it more macabre in keeping with he holiday theme
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,
she starts talking, but not to anyone
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine. I like these last lines.

Thanks very much for the read

[billy]

posting poetry is one of the few reasons we're here : sorry for not getting back to it sooner

i think it has too much fat on its bones and wouldn't go amiss having some liposuction

I apologise for posting another poem so soon, but this one just fell out of me today and I really want to work it into something good.

I fear it doesn't have much rhythm, and it's also the first non-rhyming poem I've done in a while. I am worried it doesn't all connect together well. So please be as harsh as you like! I want to turn it into something good.

some of lines don't feel logical. 1, 2, and 3 don't jibe with lines 4, 5, and 6.

-----------------


Welcome to the urban future beach,
almost natural, completely bleak, 1
where processed plastic particles
are crushed to make the sand. 2
It's a stark and white sterile paradise, 3
be careful where you put your feet,
for the ground is soft and warm
yet the tide brings up discarded waste, 4
and beneath lie broken sharp debris 5
or sometimes shards of glass. 6

The sea comes in many shades of brown,
dissolved human filth and indifference,
waves rising claw desperate at the shore, good image, comma after rising
the pale seafoam horses now form nightmares.i like this image, could do without 'the' and 'now' we were already told it's the future.
Enjoy the cold, corrosive salty spray
and taste bleach wafting in the breeze,
take a barren romantic walk across
dreamy dunes derived of petrochemicals, why?
then sit and watch the sunset bleed. good image

Polluted skies loom lethargic overhead,
light choked by thick grey factory clouds
weeping acid rain down on the ground,
yet in humidity they gather here,
for purpose long forgotten.
Try this synthetic seaside holiday, why?
crouched in fetal position,
soak silently in ultra-violet rays,
as children wide-eyed want to play,
instead of shells collecting scraps,
they still try to build their castles
and bury eachother alive. each other

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,
she starts talking, but not to anyone
"Do you remember when things lived here?"
clutches a crackling geiger counter in shaking hands,
but like a shade she is passed by,
her questions are too potent and
she smells of artificial brine.

there are a lot of whys to some of the questions posed and i'm not sure they work. there's a poem in here but it's buried under the flotsam. you could do better than to cut 50 percent away. use the parts that really matter.

example:

A sign states 'surf at your own risk'
with a skull and crossbones printed underneath
and a girl walks out along the beach,
head held down and eyes empty,

a skull and crossbones state;
'surf at your own risk'
where girl walks along the beach, (just an example.)

thanks for the read.

[Universalchild]

@Philatone

Haha it definitely isn't a rhyming poem, that is just coincidence. I hope it doesn't set expectations?

It is meant to have an almost advertisement-like undertone to it. Maybe I should make that more obvious, because clearly it isn't being understood as a purposeful choice of language. The S2L2 line is just supporting the image of the brown sea, it isn't an image on it's own. It's just simply stating that the sea is brown because of human waste (toxic and sewage and rubbish tipping), because of human indifference. I can see what you mean about using a similie or metaphor for the brown sea, though. If I can think of something, I will. Have you any suggestions maybe?

The romantic walk is meant to be based on cliche... Again it's the advertising undertone. I really thought it was noticably intentional, bummer. I guess that shows that what the poets perception is can be hugely different to the audience. I will try and weave in more of the "advertising language" so it becomes more obvious. You make a good point about the girl not speaking to anyone, I will cut that out in the edit.

Thanks for the advice! Will think it over.

@addy

It is redundant to crush particles, you are right. I will cut that out when I edit... Not sure what I was getting at there haha.

The glass line can be cut, but I like the sterile paradise line too much to cut it. As the poem is meant to be like a cynical mocking advertisement of a dystopic sci-fi future beach, I want to keep in all of the lines that I used to try and make it seem that way... Although it's not looking too good since no-one seems to understand the concept. I'm a bit gutted because I've never really experimented with this sort of poetry before and I was happy with myself for trying out a new area - I typically write about individuals experiences, drug use and the like. But I guess that's part of the learning process, you have to fail sometimes to give you the push you need to succeed and improve. I kind of knew this would need a lot of ripping and reshaping but I thought the subject itself was understandable and I'm at a loss as to how I can make it more so. Do I pack in more lines to try and make it obviously a voice mocking an advertisement? Or give up and change that completely?

I like all your suggestions for line shortening and such, thanks a lot! You've given really helpful input. I'll do a big edit soon.

@billy

Mmm, I don't really get what you mean by the first few lines don't agree with the last few lines of that stanza. Could you possibly elaborate please? I'm not saying I disagree I just genuinely don't understand what you mean.

I'll add the comma, thanks for point that out. I'll try out cutting those words and see how it looks.

I don't quite get your "whys" either - do you mean, why take that walk? Why try the holiday? Because the voice is being sarcastic. To me, it's obvious, but since you're not the only one to miss the sarcasm, I clearly messed up here. I don't know how to make it sound more sarcastic... Any advice? I'm really at a loss.

I don't want to cut it by 50% but I am willing to hack a small part of it away. I'm not one for cutting up poetry unless it reeeeeally is too long. I prefer changing lines which don't work to removing them, because essentially there is a message I want to get across and I don't want to lose any of that message. I really get where you are coming from, there are definitely some parts that need heavier editting, but I want the message left entirely intact. Big thanks for the feedback!

[billy]

there's a disconnect.
in one line it's sterile in another its full of sharp stuff and in another it has waste washing up on it.
in one line it's completely bleak and in another there a person there.

[Universalchild]

"• STERILE (adjective)
The adjective STERILE has 3 senses:

1. incapable of reproducing
2. free of or using methods to keep free of pathological microorganisms
3. deficient in originality or creativity; lacking powers of invention

Familiarity information: STERILE used as an adjective is uncommon."

Sterile doesn't mean it hasn't got waste or sharp debris lying around, and I didn't mean it literally anyway, I kind of meant to imply it was unimaginative - boring and barren, lifeless save for people, and they don't come from the beach itself.

"1.
bare, desolate, and often windswept: a bleak plain.
2.
cold and piercing; raw: a bleak wind.
3.
without hope or encouragement; depressing; dreary: a bleak future. "

As you can see, bleak also has multiple meanings, and at least two apply to this setting. It is a depressing beach, and mostly bare of people. I think you could still say an area is bleak even if a small amount of people were there. Even if I'm wrong in thinking that, I think the third meaning of bleak is still fully appliable.

So I think it does make logical sense.

[addy]

Oh don't get me wrong, the "touristy" sales tone of the piece is indeed obvious, so you were successful there. I guess the tricky balancing act comes in because half of it is a sales pitch, but half of it is describing a scenario that is objectively horrible in a way marketing can't spin ("dissolved human filth and indifference")... we're talking apocalyptic stuff. There's no amount of denial for that shit So sometimes the reader had to decide for himself/herself what tone the piece is going for at a particular point... am i reading it too lightly, or too heavily?

[billy]

"• STERILE (adjective)
The adjective STERILE has 3 senses:

1. incapable of reproducing
2. free of or using methods to keep free of pathological microorganisms
3. deficient in originality or creativity; lacking powers of invention

Familiarity information: STERILE used as an adjective is uncommon."

Sterile doesn't mean it hasn't got waste or sharp debris lying around, and I didn't mean it literally anyway, I kind of meant to imply it was unimaginative - boring and barren, lifeless save for people, and they don't come from the beach itself.

"1.
bare, desolate, and often windswept: a bleak plain.
2.
cold and piercing; raw: a bleak wind.
3.
without hope or encouragement; depressing; dreary: a bleak future. "

As you can see, bleak also has multiple meanings, and at least two apply to this setting. It is a depressing beach, and mostly bare of people. I think you could still say an area is bleak even if a small amount of people were there. Even if I'm wrong in thinking that, I think the third meaning of bleak is still fully appliable.

So I think it does make logical sense.

good for you

[Universalchild]

@addy

The intention is for it to be sarcastic, as I imagine the voice to be a person from that time era making a sarcastic sales pitch to "us" about what the future will be like if we carry on in the way we are. I think maybe sarcasm is just quite difficult to express in literature? I'm not sure how to make it sound more sarcastic. The poem is definitely meant to be heavy

[Erthona]

Sarcasm is not difficult, well at least not for anybody with half a brain.

See? Fairly easy to be sarcastic. The simplest form is composed of two parts, as in the above example.

Sarcasm is not difficult, | well at least not for anybody with half a brain.

The first part is the statement, the second part is the demeaning comment. Sarcasm is a personal attack used to demean a person, group, or an ideology.

Satire:
I do not think you want to use sarcasm (which lacks finesse), you want to use satire, which is an entirely different animal and much harder to pull off. Sarcasm works better with a small target, like one person, or a small group where you can get personal. Instead of being insulting satire uses analogy. Gulliver's Travels is a satire about England, the human race, and England and France. Two countries go to war over which end the egg should be broken to open it. It's been to long for me to remember who was suppose to be who, but it applies to any situation where some meaningless thing is used to create division or conflict. Such as whether a person should be "dunked" or "sprinkled" when being baptized.

You may wish to read some of the later Sam Clemons (Mark Twain) as he uses both deftly, and is fond of putting the human race on trial. This is especially true in his last novel the Mysterious Stranger.

You can download it for free here

http://gutenberg.org/ebooks/3186

Clemons was a master at both and a good person to learn from.

Dale

[Universalchild]

Thanks for the link, will definitely check it out. I do read a lot of satire, and that is really what this is attempting to be. Unfortunately I don't think I quite have the skill to use it myself, at least not yet. I shall research more and try again another time perhaps.

[Philatone]

It is meant to have an almost advertisement-like undertone to it. Maybe I should make that more obvious, because clearly it isn't being understood as a purposeful choice of language. The S2L2 line is just supporting the image of the brown sea, it isn't an image on it's own. It's just simply stating that the sea is brown because of human waste (toxic and sewage and rubbish tipping), because of human indifference. I can see what you mean about using a similie or metaphor for the brown sea, though. If I can think of something, I will. Have you any suggestions maybe?

The romantic walk is meant to be based on cliche... Again it's the advertising undertone. I really thought it was noticably intentional, bummer. I guess that shows that what the poets perception is can be hugely different to the audience. I will try and weave in more of the "advertising language" so it becomes more obvious. You make a good point about the girl not speaking to anyone, I will cut that out in the edit.

I entirely get a sense of advertising and irony from this; if anything, it may come off too strongly. i understand how you use traditional, cliche phrases that advertisers would use, but only saying them with a bit of sarcasm doesn't strike me as being strong enough to use it in a piece. otherwise, the line comes and goes without much of my attention.

perhaps the amount of details in here becomes a burden. your desired effect is achieved, but i think it comes at a relatively high price.


with regards to the "brown", maybe comparing the water to something brown that people waste, like tossed apple cores or food in a sinktrap. the choices are endless!