The Unspeakably Familiar

[penguin]

Early twilight frost hardening
plangent to imperative;
language learnt to clutch and curve
him clear of double jeopardy.

Shadow boxers bob and weave,
hide and seek the scripted fall
softened by linoleum;
the sting of an averted cheek
stained a dark and bitter flame
discolouring chameleon.

Boiler bubbles, dripping tap,
carol singers, hiss of gas,
brown sideboard, aspidistra;
squeeze a bauble, tear a picture,
pilfer happy thoughts and crush
the unspeakably familiar.

[Universalchild]

Early twilight frost hardening
plangent to imperative; First time in a while that I've had to look up a word. I don't really like the sound of it, but it suits perfectly so I can't complain.
language learnt to clutch and curve
him clear of double jeopardy. I'm not sure what this means, but I admit this is likely my lack of knowledge.

Shadow boxers bob and weave,
hide and seek the scripted fall
softened by linoleum;
the sting of an averted cheek
stained a dark and bitter flame Why flame, out of curiosity?
discolouring chameleon.

Boiler bubbles, dripping tap,
carol singers, hiss of gas,
brown sideboard, aspidistra;
squeeze a bauble, tear a picture,
pilfer happy thoughts and crush
the unspeakably familiar. I like the way all of this sounds, it rolls off the tongue well. I understand the last two lines, but I admit I don't get the string of imagery. I thought maybe it was pieces of a picture trying to create a home/something like that.

[penguin]

Thanks, Phaedra. I decided to give the poem its original title back and stop trying to be clever. Double Jeopardy - in legal terms I think it means that you can't be tried for the same offence twice. But the poem is meant to be about a relationship gone stale in which one partner puts the other through the mill repeatedly for past offences. The averted cheek has been struck, I'm trying for a heated resentment.
The poem sprang from an exercise I give myself some times - to try and convert, condense a passage or chapter from a novel into a poem!

Best Wishes, Ray

[Leanne]

I love the invocation of the senses in this poem, particularly the sounds -- it's very vibrant and there's a strong feeling of loneliness and isolation even in company. "Brown sideboard, aspidistra" reminds me of my grandparents' house when I was growing up, so the images have a retro feel about them. I'm glad you put in the carol singers or I'd have missed Christmas since I keep forgetting it's cold in December where you folks are -- adding the Christmas element highlights the sadness of the situation and also enhances the ritual notion (it's the same every year). I think pretty much the only thing I'd do to this is add a colon after "flame" in S2.

Great read, Ray, I've returned to this several times now and it keeps getting stronger -- that's always a good sign.

[billy]

it reads like a posh version of a sunday afternoon wife beating session of sorts. not sure the double jeopardy actually works in the body of the poem as it's more of a domestic for which he can be charged with every time he commits the act. the linoleum brings it into the realm of the real world. the last seem to make it want to be a murder which i suppose wife beating is in a way. i like the images but i'm having a bit of struggle as to where to place it. is about violence, is it about specifically wife beating.
the 1st stanza could i think be put to better use in setting the poem up by giving some clearer definition of where you want to take the reader.

all that said. it's a good readable poem that leaves the reader thinking .

[Erthona]

Evocative in spite of being needlessly difficult.

I would have thought poinsettia over aspidistra, considering the carolers and all.


Do you mean "plangent to imperative" as on a scale like "alpha to omega", or as a comparison, this to that? I can make little sense of it I fear.

Dale

[penguin]

Thanks, Leanne and Billy. It's not about wife-beating, in fact the slapped cheek belongs to the husband and his repeated offences are more emotional - disengagement, estrangement etc.I'm not sure about double jeopardy, either!I'll think on the colon after flame.

Just caught your post, Dale, thanks. I had in mind Orwell's Keep the Aspidistra Flying. A progression from plangent to imperative, an all too familiar direction.

If anyone can help on

language learnt to clutch and curve
him clear of double jeopardy.

what I really mean is that her words are intended to pull him back in the fold, out of himself, "he" is dreamy, idealistic, dissatisfied. She is merely dissatisfied.

[Erthona]

Oh, OK. "aspidistra" and the whole bowler-hat image as respectability is foreign to me, although I get the allusion as it fits well in Mary Poppins's George Banks (I think was the character). Those must be easy plants to take care of considering where I have seen them. Speaks to a sense of appearance over genuineness I suppose.

Thanks,

Dale

---

If anyone can help on
language learnt to clutch and curve
him clear of double jeopardy.
------------------------------------------------------
language meant to lift him free
of relational double jeopardy.

I think double jeopardy is a fine phrase, but it needs to be pointed out that it is meant in terms of the relationship so as to clue the reader into how it is being used. I don't really see how to incorporate it into the space and have it be clear. I don't think this is a good solution, but it is the only one I can come up with. "Marital" would work better than relational, but he is not married is he? Still, it does not convey the idea of continuously bringing up past transgressions in the relationship.

Dale

[tectak]

Early twilight frost hardening This is Serious crit so here goes! Now early twilight doesn`t serve to tell me anything specific about the time, the light levels or the time of year. There must be some reason why you mentioned it. Comma after twilight would only help a little. This is the opening line so I have some expectationof clarification.
plangent to imperative; ....but no. I remember plangent from my bell ringing days. Ah, what days they were. The vicar was a tiny man with a red face....oh, sorry, got a bit distracted, there. What were you saying? See what I mean? You have made a leap across a chasm and left me on the wrong side of the Rubicon. I think you need to tighten up the continuity in this first stanza. I like the sound of the next two lines but feel cheated out of their relevance.
language learnt to clutch and curve If I am even close to understanding this stanza then maybe "hold then swerve" rather than clutch and curve. Just a thought.
him clear of double jeopardy.Again, a little frustrating because I know only too well what double jeopardy means but what does it mean?

Shadow boxers bob and weave, I feel that this should be the beginning of a metaphor but you do not give me the option of imagination. This is a factual statement. Is that what you meant to impute? If so, then yes, it is true, they do bob and weave....or are they called Bob and Weave?
hide and seek the scripted fall Once again, frustrating because this line is so clear that I can move quickly on, but the next makes me trip!Phew, thank god for linoleum....LINOLEUM? Who put that there? Haven`t seen linoleum since the seventies....where are we here?Sorry, that was cynical BUT we do seem to be getting a little confused(ing)...or perhaps, as they say, it's just me.nonetheless, I think you are trying to say something simple and interesting in a difficult and complicated way. There are mixed levels of profundity which disorientates me and makes me lose trust in the writer. I need to be given confidence to proceed but I don't think I am going to get my wish!
softened by linoleum;
the sting of an averted cheek
stained a dark and bitter flame
discolouring chameleon.Thought not.Great lines but why flame?,Why cameleon? Why bitter?

Boiler bubbles, dripping tap,
carol singers, hiss of gas,
brown sideboard, aspidistra;
squeeze a bauble, tear a picture,
pilfer happy thoughts and crush
the unspeakably familiar.Simply gorgeous imagery. I have completely forgotten what this piece is about and do not care. Give me JUST this stanza and call it "Mint Julep" or anything, really, and I would be happy.Sometimes I feel really stupid.

I enjoyed it.I applaud your brazeness. I have no idea what it is about. I am not worthy.
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Thanks, Dale. He is married, yes, very much a married relationship. I fear double jeopardy will have to go - as you say, it needs something to place it in context and I don't have or want the space.

Tectak. "I think you are trying to say something simple and interesting in a difficult and complicated way." Actually, just the opposite. I wanted summat tight, snappy, lean and that's what I've got. It would be great if it made total sense to everyone but....

First 2 lines, though, I rather like. I think, in the context of the rest of the poem, they set a scene and describe a relationship. But, as you imply, they'd maybe be better in the body of the poem rather than the mouth.
I should put a comma after hide and seek. Linoleum - we're in the 20s but could be 60s, 70s, I guess.

"Great lines but why flame?,Why cameleon? Why bitter?"Are you serious? Seems fairly straightforward to me and I can't be explaining everything!
And thanks for the comments. I like to hear how others perceive my stuff. Don't mean I have to agree with 'em!But I shall have a think about the start of the poem.

[Philatone]

hey! arriving a bit late, but hopefully can offer 1 or 2 things...

Early twilight frost hardening ...as an intro, the sounds grab more than the actual words for me. I think "early" is the weakest part
plangent to imperative; ...the "plan" sound isn't all that pleasing to me; in terms of acoustics, this line stumbled a bit whereas the first line went smoothly
language learnt to clutch and curve
him clear of double jeopardy.

...not sure how I feel about the transition from stanza to stanza

Shadow boxers bob and weave,
hide and seek the scripted fall ...minor note: a part of me expected the verbs to stop, rather than keep coming with "hide and seek". the line is a bit meta--it gives a straight description, rather than really getting in on the action. i'm being told everything. the sense of conflict does emerge
softened by linoleum;
the sting of an averted cheek
stained a dark and bitter flame
discolouring chameleon. ...this line is interesting; i'm not sure how to take it. I'm seeing a disguise of some sort being cast aside, or just a bruise forming. the beats feel a bit off if there is a meter, but may just be how i am reading it

Boiler bubbles, dripping tap,
carol singers, hiss of gas,
brown sideboard, aspidistra;
squeeze a bauble, tear a picture,
pilfer happy thoughts and crush
the unspeakably familiar. ...trouble at home? again, reiterates the conflict; well done. I feel as though the momentum gained by this stanza (nice job on the word choices and flow) would have worked nicely if it were closer to that "shadowboxing" image from the previous stanza. this stanza does feel like the strongest

[Leanne]

Here's what I get out of this, meaning-wise, and why I'm reasonably comfortable with the lines as they are:

(early twilight frost) hardening plangent to imperative -- the voices are always loud, with a pleading edge in the daytime ("can't we just do something nice today?") changing to more critical, demanding and commanding around tea-time ("just sit and eat you lousy bastard"). To me this indicates a husband who's never really figured out what it means to be part of a couple but goes his own way, wishing it were different but having no real motivation to make it so. Obviously as time goes on, the routine makes the wife increasingly bitter.

clear of double jeopardy -- the offences he's being accused of are never quite the same, she's creative in her criticism, not allowing him to claim that she's nagging.

shadow boxers -- there's no physical contact, thus the sting of an averted cheek is figurative only, and the stain is one of embarrassment or anger. The fall is scripted by the routine, it's expected and neither partner knows how to break out of it. The only option they seem to have is to irritate each other and go through the motions of marriage.

Personally I think the first two stanzas are important to set up the final stanza, which contextualises the action in history (I mentioned before that aspidistra and a brown sideboard are grandparent-ish things to me, compounded by the linoleum earlier on). This is poignant, because it indicates that these two have been suffering for years, perhaps remembering some dim spark of romance but having settled into a rut of contempt and mutual distaste. The woman is clearly the more active partner, the more vocally critical, whereas the man has a bit of a martyr thing -- both are tragic figures.

[billy]

i am the proof, that idiots abound
i got it completely wrong ....i think it was my upbringing who was at fault with my analysis. that said i was looking at it through my eyes. thanks for being gentle with me ray

[tectak]

Thanks, Dale. He is married, yes, very much a married relationship. I fear double jeopardy will have to go - as you say, it needs something to place it in context and I don't have or want the space.

Tectak. "I think you are trying to say something simple and interesting in a difficult and complicated way." Actually, just the opposite. I wanted summat tight, snappy, lean and that's what I've got. It would be great if it made total sense to everyone but....

First 2 lines, though, I rather like. I think, in the context of the rest of the poem, they set a scene and describe a relationship. But, as you imply, they'd maybe be better in the body of the poem rather than the mouth.
I should put a comma after hide and seek. Linoleum - we're in the 20s but could be 60s, 70s, I guess.

"Great lines but why flame?,Why cameleon? Why bitter?"Are you serious? Seems fairly straightforward to me and I can't be explaining everything!
And thanks for the comments. I like to hear how others perceive my stuff. Don't mean I have to agree with 'em!But I shall have a think about the start of the poem.

Hi Ray, got to be the honest critic. I read this piece some time back in another place and was taken with the plangent to imperative line even though then as now I still felt that the line was as enigmatic as the whole piece. No, it is not clear to me what youa ere saying but you are saying it well!
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Thanks all.
Geoff. discolouring chameleon - a bruise forming, yes, but it's also meant to imply the revealing of one's true colours

"....not sure how I feel about the transition from stanza to stanza"

nor me, originally there were just 16 lines, no stanzas.

Leanne. You must have a really powerful version of Google Maps.

Billy. I can see why you got to where you got.

Tectak. You read this on Poets' Graves, then? Ooooh, feels a bit like being stalked. First Kate Moss, now....
I revisited the post today myself. So

language learnt to clutch and curve him
clear of sideways currency

As clear as mud.

[Universalchild]

Thanks, Phaedra. I decided to give the poem its original title back and stop trying to be clever. Double Jeopardy - in legal terms I think it means that you can't be tried for the same offence twice. But the poem is meant to be about a relationship gone stale in which one partner puts the other through the mill repeatedly for past offences. The averted cheek has been struck, I'm trying for a heated resentment.
The poem sprang from an exercise I give myself some times - to try and convert, condense a passage or chapter from a novel into a poem!

Best Wishes, Ray

Ah, okay, that does make sense.

I think I took it too literally, I thought it was about domestic violence. Thanks for the read!