Mind battle

[jacko94]

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?

Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out,
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop,
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step,
The individual mind of feet and arms.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.

[Universalchild]

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?

Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out, Do you mean wonder or wander? Wandering suits the following words better so I thought I'd check.
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop, I don't think you need to say blank, featureless tells enough. What does stop to stop mean?
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step, Lone paving? Wouldn't lone pavement fit a bit better?
The individual mind of feet and arms.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise, Would soliders on the horizon maybe fit better?
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm, I would leave out "By the mass's" personally.
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me, What does this bit mean?
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again. I like this bit the best.

I have to admit, I really have no idea what is happening in the poem, I'm getting that it is abstract and all in the mind, but I'm still confused haha.

[Erthona]

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?

Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out, (maybe flip "wondering, weaving", write it as "Consciousness wondering and weaving... )
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop, ("Blank featureless" more or less redundant)
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step,
The individual mind of feet and arms.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise, (Downtown)
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.

--------------------------------------------------------------
I decided to give up on a line by line. I think the problem is that what you are writing is clear to you, but due to grammatical problems and a host of unnecessary commas, it is not clear to the reader. For example what you wrote was

"Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly"

What you meant was:

Surreal and endearing looks fly each and every time.

This is almost a sentence, but you are missing the "subject" of the sentence. The question is, "fly" from whom? If you don't answer that, then you are saying that "Surreal and endearing looks" literally "fly", in the same way you would say "Black and gray birds fly!" You mean to use it figuratively as in "disappear".

To pair it with the preceding line:

Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop,
surreal and endearing looks fly each and every time.

If you were to add in "from" before stop to stop, and end the line with a colon, it would make the next line a comment on "blank". or "featureless" faces (I would choose one as they are too similar, and personally I would go with featureless for the alliteration). It would also be nice to add in a verb for the adjective "staring", as in "are staring". If we put it all together we have.

"Featureless faces are staring back at me from (bus?)stop to (bus)stop:
surreal and endearing looks fly (away) each and every time..."

To complete this , "away" after "fly", to get the meaning you want, as "surreal and endearing looks fly" means that people have surreal and endearing looks on their faces (personally, I'd probably use something like disappear, or evaporate, thus eliminating the need or the added adverb). Since you characterize these faces as "Featureless" the implication is that the "surreal and endearing looks" are no longer on the faces and thus have left.

As parenthetically noted above, I would define to which kind of "stops" you are referring as this helps ground the scene in reality a bit. It doesn't have to be bus stops, it could be stop signs, or whatever, the main thing is to not leave it open ended or else the mind of the reader will focus on that, trying in vain to create the scene. This of course takes away from the poem, something generally bet avoided.


You know it really pissed me off when I was younger to discover that poetry (which I had partially chosen because I thought I could avoid having to deal with grammar), had even more stringent requirements than prose...well that is if I wanted to be understood.

Anyway, if you're anything like me you will probably try to ignore this whole grammar/clarity problem for as long as you can. It is always a difficult idea to get that what we write doesn't convey what we think it does. I mean...it looks clear to me!


Dale

[billy]

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?

Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out,
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop,
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step,
The individual mind of feet and arms.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.

try and give it some structure. at present it feels too overwhelming. the reader struggles to actually read it with comprehension. i can't believe i'm saying this but add a few packing words and split the lines so the reader can catch their breathe

things like 'by the masses' reads better as 'en masse' chech where else you can simply the narration.
you know what you mean at present it's very hard for the reader to decipher. write as an essay then do the poetics keeping it as simple as you can. the poem's in there you just need to unwrap it.

thanks for the read, and great to see you posting.

[tectak]

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?
Some little line by liners but go to end
Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out, to many commas lead to comas. I am being lulled already. Make a sentence, do
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop, blankety blank....repeated descriptions to be wordy. No other merit. drop the blank.
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,each and every cliche
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know, what is this fifth sense that you know that I don't know, or do you not know
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step, Lonely pavement, single paving stone....not really clear enough or even relevant enough to use this line. There may be others I fear.
The individual mind of feet and arms.Almost makes a point(s) here. I think I know what you mean if it is the autonomic nature of movement but you don't link the the line to anything, so it is just cast adrift.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,Why "in in "? why not "on on"?
Fear like daylight nightmare,This is probably not a cliche but it will be. The (night)mare bit makes (day)light a little difficult.
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,What is mass's? Is it masses? Who are they. Clarify or omit for me
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right, I am now completely lost. If that is your intention...result!
Two seconds, one.If if I now read to the end I am just bored by the hippy-trippyness of the whole thing. This type of thing has had its day....back in '73. It may be new to some but to me it is old hat. There are more things out there than can be imagined.....and they are real
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.

Hi Jacko,
Well, this is quite a shopping list!
No point in a full line by line particularly as you specifically asked how to make it better.....specifically then, DON'T!

OVERVIEW
That's not a harsh comment. I will try to explain. What you have here is a shopping bag STUFFED to bursting. The trouble is you've mixed the fish and the flowers, the cream and the creosote, the herbicide and the honey. You need to tip everything out on to a clean surface and get sorting. It is all very well to write this kind of "disassociated" stuff and expect the reader to link it all together for you, but that's not what writing as a discipline is all about. It may be a shock, but the onus of validity is with you, the writer.
So....as long as you are victim to these random peregrinations you will always have a wealth of subject matter to deal with BUT if you want to write down something which CAN BE IMPROVED UPON, you must commit to some ethos or set of rules......that is, though, ONLY if you want to improve a piece of work.
You have some excellent, if burgeoning thoughts. There is a feeling that, like many before you writing synaptically ( especially when such thinking is modified by interesting chemical stimulants), what you think can be written down, should be written down and it will be GREAT! It never is. This piece needs controlling by a sentient being. Is that you?
Best,
tectak[/b]

[Erthona]

I vote he is as sentient as tectak...that still leaves it a bit vague, doesn't it?


dale

[tectak]

I vote he is as sentient as tectak...that still leaves it a bit vague, doesn't it?


dale

I'm with tectak on this one.
Best,
tectak
PS Get a haircut.

[addy]

There's a lot of interesting things here, but at some points reading them was like (forgive me), a "mind battle". We are left to contend with the flow of strained thoughts with few clues on how to interpret them or ground them for ourselves. Don't get me wrong, some of the lines are truly excellent, but the POV is almost purely a reactive thought process of the protagonist (it takes place exclusively in his mind) and even though he is privy to what's happening to cause those thoughts, sometimes the readers aren't.

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?

Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out,
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop, tripped up here, at "stop to stop"
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly, I'm not entirely sure "endearing" is the word you were going for (am i wrong?).
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know, Maybe "the fifth sense I've known"?
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step,
The individual mind of feet and arms. I think you could put these two lines at the beginning of the poem;they are useful in setting some kind of context, which i thought was a bit lacking in your current intro. (Lone pavement. Steps. Hesitation // the individual mind of feet and arms). Just imo, though
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent is "recent" necessary? abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again. Nice ending imagery

[Philatone]

hey jacko!

This is the second version of a recent poem I wrote called "Mind Battle", could you assist me in making it better?

Mind Battle

Consciousness, wondering, weaving, dodging in and out,
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop,
Each and every time surreal, endearing looks fly,
Painful, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, hesitating every other step,
The individual mind of feet and arms.
Down town battlegrounds, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
Yesterday’s blink starts again, chemical hands taking me,
Towering skies, colossal,
Time stealing journeys, lucid,
Sand running through the fingers,
Steady ground lifting,
Elevating,
Chaos in bird’s eye,
Synthetic friends guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.
Ants becoming small, smaller, treading, feeling seems normal.


Recent abstract thoughts remembered, falling,
Grinding down metal bars,
Hemp wrapped,
Ends turning fire red,
Balanced throughout
it will only start again.

some quick thoughts:
-not sure if you need the first-person in the piece (all those I's, me's, and my's). the concept feels too detached for it

-I like the frenetic pace and energy, carried by the quick thoughts of stream-of-consciousness. i think it captures the tone well

-the abstractions used hurt the read for me because they left me lost. the meaning that i think you want to convey gets jumbled in a forest of text (e.g., how are your friends "synthetic"? what is a "featureless face?). I would assume nothing from the reader. when the time came for explanations...there were none to be found

-i think you have the content and concept (atmosphere is fine, tone is great); i think the search for words to capture your idea has taken you beyond what you can control on paper. shortening the piece, trimming excess may provide more of a backbone to work with

I hope some of this is helpful