Penguin,
Thanks for the comments. "It's a shame the 3rd line is without a rhyme." It does rhyme with the next three. I originally tried using "about" but it just seemed too cliche (even for this piece). I'll see if I can't make the rhyme consistent.
Dale
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Tom,
" scopin' " from scope, to check out. Vietnam era slang, although still in use in certain sub-cultures. I used it because of the military connotation of recon. This piece deals with certain archetypes. Alpha-omega / beginning - end / Bethlehem - Jerusalem. "becoming" to come into being. With the birth of Christ also comes the birth of the beast, it plays off of "slouching into Bethlehem" from "The Second Coming", by W. B. Yeats.
"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
The form, which embodies the characteristics of the shallowness in the majority of rock/pop/rap lyrics is the vehicle of the beast energy which is the shallowness of the supposed "objectivity" of modernism. You can call it affectation versus genuine depth.
Dale
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Billy,
"i think you really did sin with this one dale"
Imitation is the "sin"cerest form of contempt :p
but you are probably correct
Dale
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Geoff,
"...i don't get why this needs several lines to express"
it is the description of his coming into existence, and this in an enemy camp close to the height of its power.
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"..the "that" stole some momentum from me" I had it both ways but I'm not attached to it. I left it mainly for the cadence as I couldn't decide which way worked best.
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" "wanna" did little for me" trying for a elongation of sound, but you are probably right, I don't think it does enough to offset the apparent affectation that using it implies.
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"or talk to the warden...another area where the importance of these lines doesn't make itself clear to me"
Implication is we are all in prison, but in general it says if you don't like what I am doing appeal to the authority figure, which me and mine hold in contempt. Superficially just another way to say "go fuck yourself, I don't give a damn". Notice the inversion with
"so please beg my pardon"
not
"I beg your pardon"
In other words, you are at fault not me.
"cant help if im modern
so please beg my pardon"
Modernism sought to overturn conventional wisdom as well as conventional morality. It (modernistic poetry, Imagism) was also a rebellion against "Romanticism". This was characterized also in the abandonment of conventional punctuation, which you will note is obviously missing in the first line.
"the transitions between the stanzas feel weak; I think enhancing them would make the piece more cohesive. as is, the stanzas have a startling independence"
Yes, this speaks to the dissociative nature of modernism, and is more or less intentional.
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Thanks everyone, I've done another version with some of your suggestions.
Dale
it's a 4 verse poem that says very little. which i suppose is what the poem is about. but for me it falls short of being cute, or funny or even serious. all i can think of it is that it's a piss take of some other poem or style of poem. if that's the case then it needs to be nearer the mark of the genre your mocking.
)
