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Lily wakes up prematurely
make-up lipstick powder nose
Lily pads and prowls the lounge
pirouettes expensive toes
Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose
Lily puts her records on
harmonising talent shows
Lily practises her smile
wearing pantomimic clothes
Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose
Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows
Lily snaps her fingers- snap!-
the boys adopt a slavish pose
Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goes
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
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Great fun, Ray -- my grammar nerd alter ego (ok, it's the one that usually gets control of my keyboard) loves the last couplet especially
The only line I have a bit of a quibble about is "pirouettes expensive toes", which in my head has her lying on her back whirling her toes in some kind of weird little piggy dervish... but what happens in my head should probably stay there! I just wonder if "prances on expensive toes" might not work?
I must get back to my own laundry before decomposition sets in!
It could be worse
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(07-03-2012, 06:55 AM)penguin Wrote: Lily wakes up prematurely
make-up lipstick powder nose
Lily pads and prowls the lounge unless a pun I would go with prowls and pads
pirouettes expensive toes nice if difficult image. The hell with it. Just nice
Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose
Lily puts her records on
harmonising talent shows
Lily practises her smile
wearing pantomimic clothes
Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose cool modernism. That's how I rock mf
Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows
Lily snaps her fingers- snap!- maybe clicks her fingers to lose a snap?
the boys adopt a slavish pose
Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goesquite brilliant
Needs nothing doing but doing nothing would not improve it. In spite of my pathetic crit, it is a happy piece: and welcome to it.
best,
tectak
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no nits here, i see tecktak's point about lily pads being a pun and like his work around.
but it is super duper as is.
i would however add an 's' to Lilyism title so that it reads Lilyisms (as it's a group of things and not a belief system)
great fun to read. specially the word play at the end.
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yo ray
some thoughts
(07-03-2012, 06:55 AM)penguin Wrote: Lily wakes up prematurely..."prematurely" didn't resonate much with me. personal preference
make-up lipstick powder nose ...for me, this second line does not flow as well as the other 2nd lines in the piece. there are a lot of strong accents. maybe "powdered" would make the line a bit gentler?
Lily pads and prowls the lounge
pirouettes expensive toes ...great!
Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose ...in terms of word choice, this stanza struck me the most with "askance," "knickers," and "decompose." I think the "looks askance" didn't flow as well as I would have liked ( Lily looks askance). again, entirely personal preference
Lily puts her records on
harmonising talent shows
Lily practises her smile
wearing pantomimic clothes
Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose
Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows ..."apostolic" is great
Lily snaps her fingers- snap!-
the boys adopt a slavish pose ...the "the" did little for me
Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goes...great couplet
nice piece to read; most of my comments are entirely personal so I apologize if they can't help you much. i enjoyed
Written only for you to consider.
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This was a really fun read.
The comments I made below are just minor nits
(07-03-2012, 06:55 AM)penguin Wrote: Lily wakes up prematurely doesn't have the same 'zing' or attitude as your other lines, i think
make-up lipstick powder nose
Lily pads and prowls the lounge like the pun, but not sure if its worth the awkwardness of the phrasing
pirouettes expensive toes
Lily looks askance at laundry
socks and knickers decompose
Lily puts her records on is this meant to be a lyrical reference? If it is, I accept that. If not, needs a wee bit more zing for me.
harmonising talent shows
Lily practises her smile
wearing pantomimic clothes
Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose
Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows
Lily snaps her fingers- snap!- not feeling the repetition of snap
the boys adopt a slavish pose
Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goes Great, great close
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Thanks for the comments. Lily is my all-singing, all-dancing daughter who did, until fairly recently, often speak of herself in the third person. Which is a bit worrying for any parent but particularly one with over 20 years of Mental Health nursing behind him.
Leanne. I think someone once suggested "pirouettes expensive toes" was a physical impossibility. I'm more concerned about the cost of the dancing lessons.
Tectak. Is prowls and pads better then? I must say, I'm not that fond of "pads" now. I'll think on the snap! line. Again, it seemed a good idea at the time.
Billy. It was called Lilyisms once. Then I started thinking about self-worship. There's a case for either, I suppose.
Geoff. Prematurely - it never was the right word but I can't think of a better one. What is the word for waking up earlier than everyone else because it takes you two hours to put your warpaint on?
Addy - puts her records on. There was a song she used to sing, can't remember the singer - Girl, put your records on.....
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
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(07-03-2012, 06:55 AM)penguin Wrote: Lily wakes up prematurely
make-up lipstick powder nose
Lily pads and prowls the lounge I like the imagery here, very cat-like
pirouettes expensive toes
Lily looks askance at laundry I don't like askance.
socks and knickers decompose but this line is hilarious!
Lily puts her records on
harmonising talent shows
Lily practises her smile
wearing pantomimic clothes
Lily chats on MSN
emoticonic overdose
Lily taps and points her feet
at the apostolic rows
Lily snaps her fingers- snap!-
the boys adopt a slavish pose
Lily is beside herself
third person singular she goes Haha very good[/b]
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Threads: 25
Joined: May 2012
Thanks, Universal Child. I think askance is the most apt word for a kind of sideways distaste.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
