Shadows

[way2epic4me]

Shadows ever fleeting in the dark alleys
Catching glimpses through lit windows of a world
Only seen, never ventured
They gather in a place
Lit by the darkest of moon light
Whispering things only whispered by shadows
They whisper of their windows
For each one has a window
Forever peering into
A world they long for
But it was not meant to be
For not even shadows dare to challenge fate
To rise against destiny
Here they come
The keepers of the windows
Frightened by shadows, only peering
They come with torches
Torches held aloft, held high
Spreading light into the dwellings of shadows
And scattering shadows into the sanctuaries of light
Not knowing, what they fear
Are merely shadows
So go forth, find you window
Pull back the curtains and fight for what fate denies you

Thanks in advance.

[billy]

On first read, i think it's a poem that asks for some grammar.

Shadows ever fleeting in the dark alleys
Catching glimpses through lit windows of a world
Only seen, never ventured ending this here and starting a 2nd verse.might add something
They gather in a place
Lit by the darkest of moon light
Whispering things only whispered by shadows
They whisper of their windows
For each one has a window
Forever peering into
A world they long for
But it was not meant to be feels very weak
For not even shadows dare to challenge fate
To rise against destiny
Here they come
The keepers of the windows
Frightened by shadows, only peering
They come with torches
Torches held aloft, held high
Spreading light into the dwellings of shadows
And scattering shadows into the sanctuaries
Not knowing, what they fear
Are merely shadows
So go forth, find you window
Pull back the curtains and fight for what fate denies you

Thanks in advance.

i like the poem but it does have a few problematic things going on.
a lot of the poem is repeated in different phrases. in places there seems to be an excess of small words. if you stripped these out the poem would become tighter. the use of shadow in title negates the need for using the word in the body of the poem;

ever fleeting in the dark alleys

for some reason i remember the Frankenstein stories when i read this. probably because of the torches line

thanks for the read.

[addy]

I think this piece has some great meat to it. There are a few points, though, where i feel you lose inspiration and just end up beating the same image / metaphor to death, or are compelled to overexplain things that don't need further explaining. Leave the readers a bit of room to draw the story on their own, your job is to guide.

Shadows ever fleeting in the dark alleys
Catching glimpses through lit windows of a world I like the image and movement you established the piece with
Only seen, never ventured
They gather in a place I don't think "in a place" is necessary, we already know we are speaking of a world/ a place
Lit by the darkest of moon light
Whispering things only whispered 'whispering things that are whispered' does not work for me :/ by shadows
They whisper of their windows
For each one has a window
Forever peering into
A world they long for
But it was not meant to be
For not even shadows dare to challenge fate
To rise against destiny "challenge fate" and "rise against destiny" are not particularly unique turns of phrase, so just choose one, imo
Here they come
The keepers of the windows
Frightened by shadows, only peering
They come with torches
Torches held aloft, held high
Spreading light into the dwellings of shadows
And scattering shadows into the sanctuaries of light
Not knowing, what they fear
Are merely shadows
So go forth, find you window
Pull back the curtains and fight for what fate denies you You transition into speaking directly to the reader. Don't think the transition was done too smoothly, but it's not too jarring

Thanks in advance.

[Philatone]

hey!

Shadows ever fleeting in the dark alleys
Catching glimpses through lit windows of a world ...wanted to be sure that "catching" was the right word"
Only seen, never ventured ...a bit heavy on description for the next few lines. it reads like a report
They gather in a place
Lit by the darkest of moon light
Whispering things only whispered by shadows..this line does not help me much
They whisper of their windows
For each one has a window
Forever peering into
A world they long for
But it was not meant to be
For not even shadows dare to challenge fate
To rise against destiny
Here they come
The keepers of the windows
Frightened by shadows, only peering
They come with torches
Torches held aloft, held high
Spreading light into the dwellings of shadows
And scattering shadows into the sanctuaries of light
Not knowing, what they fear
Are merely shadows
So go forth, find you window
Pull back the curtains and fight for what fate denies you

Thanks in advance.

the repetitions of words (e.g., shadows, windows) was a bit heavy. I enjoyed the atmosphere you create with them, though.

the descriptions are missing a bit of energy as is. I think spending more time to elaborate on what you have would enhance the progression. I see elements of it when you describe the torches, but more could help the piece.

hope this is helpful