The Coat of Alfred Meyerstein:

[billy]

Alfred wears a WWII German greatcoat;
the three bullet holes in the back indistinguishable
from a dozen or more ragged round moth holes.
Its greatness all the greater for their hunger.


Alfred killed frightened Germans for a living
he enjoyed gliding over them with his tank
it dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earth;
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the slow scared bastards.
Underfoot was quagmire, men slipped and tripped,
in fear the grey-clads scrambled.

Alfred often liked to stop and better see them flee,
crawl, and try in vain to haul themselves up and over
steep walled ditches that gave little or no purchase.
Leather-gauntleted hands slipped on root and stone alike.
Waterlogged boot conceded failure to cold wet mud.
It was in these times he'd light one of his stubby cigars;
the same shape as his shells, he'd commandeered them
from a bloodied black dress-shirt pocket of the hierarchy.
Dead Waffen-SS officers had no taste; no need to smoke, except
in hell with all dead Jews sent Courtesy of Belsen's bakery.

Alfred tugged a mouthful of acrid smoke into his lungs
and smiled a Jewish smile as he bagged himself a trophy.
He also took his eighth iron cross, this one for his dead wife.

Alfred liked to wear the skin of a dead German soldier.

[tectak]

Alfred wears a WWII German greatcoat;
the three bullet holes in the back indistinguishable
from a dozen or more ragged round moth holes.
Its greatness all the greater for their hunger.


Alfred killed frightened Germans for a living
he enjoyed gliding over them with his tank
it dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earth;
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew2
he'd caught one or two of the slow scared bastards.
Underfoot was quagmire, men slipped and tripped,
in fear the grey-clads scrambled.

Alfred often liked to stop and better see them flee,
crawl, and try in vain to haul themselves up and over
steep walled ditches that gave little or no purchase.
Leather-gauntleted hands slipped on root and stone alike.
Waterlogged boot conceded failure to cold wet mud.
It was in these times he'd light one of his stubby cigars;
the same shape as his shells, he'd commandeered them
from a bloodied black dress-shirt pocket of the hierarchy.
Dead Waffen-SS officers had no taste; no need to smoke, except
in hell with all dead Jews sent Courtesy of Belsen's bakery.

Alfred tugged a mouthful of acrid smoke into his lungs
and smiled a Jewish smile as he bagged himself a trophy.
He also took his eighth iron cross, this one for his dead wife.

Alfred liked to wear the skin of a dead German soldier.

There will be a delayed response to this piece due to googling and the recent prolonged absence of erthona.........we trust he is well. I, on the other hand have some little inkling of Alfred, believing him to a named holocaust victim. As to his activities in a tank, I know nothing. That is a good starting point but I want to be sure of my ignorance before I crit further. I am still recovering from.the news that Homer did not write the Odyssey, but that it was, in fact, written by some other cove of the same name.........one must be so careful these enlightened days.
On a first read, comma after "ragged" but the rest I will.get back to you..er....on.
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

i put the comma in and you more or less have it correct. (though you may not find his name on any wall or tablet. thanks for having a look.

[addy]

Alfred wears a WWII German greatcoat;
the three bullet holes in the back indistinguishable
from a dozen or more ragged round moth holes.
Its greatness all the greater for their hunger. At first I didn't care for this line... I thought the moth holes was a great image to leave off on. But as i read on it became clear you were foreshadowing alfred's hunger / bloodlust. So now I'm on the fence. Maybe this line could be spruced up because it's really the weakest of the stanza at the moment


Alfred killed frightened Germans for a living Period here? some of the punctuation in this stanza is inconsistent, but that's just a minor nit
he enjoyed gliding over them with his tank
it dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earth;
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the slow scared bastards.
Underfoot was quagmire, men slipped and tripped,
in fear the grey-clads scrambled.

Alfred often liked to stop and better see them flee, I noticed that there's a kind of casual distance in the way its narrated (kind of like "See Spot Run"), a bit more like a documentary rather than a visceral account (although the details provided are indeed visceral). It makes for an interesting read
crawl, and try in vain to haul themselves up and over
steep walled ditches that gave little or no purchase.
Leather-gauntleted hands slipped on root and stone alike.
Waterlogged boot conceded failure to cold wet mud.
It was in these times he'd light one of his stubby cigars;
the same shape as his shells, he'd commandeered them
from a bloodied black dress-shirt pocket of the hierarchy.
Dead Waffen-SS officers had no taste; no need to smoke, except
in hell with all dead Jews sent Courtesy of Belsen's bakery.

Alfred tugged a mouthful of acrid smoke into his lungs nice transition from the ovens to this
and smiled a Jewish smile as he bagged himself a trophy.
He also took his eighth iron cross, this one for his dead wife.

Alfred liked to wear the skin of a dead German soldier. Maybe you can use something more powerful than "liked to" here, since you use it often throughout the poem? Just a minor nit. I like how you ended it.

[Philatone]

hey billy!


this was a piece whose topic feels grand, but the execution felt a bit flat for me. the manner in which it is delivered is a little flat and detached (third-person with the repeated use of Alfred/ he; constant description and "reporting" of events). maybe that is fitting for the topic, but I never felt as involved as I would have liked. getting into the gritty details...

Alfred wears a WWII German greatcoat;
the three bullet holes in the back indistinguishable...perhaps the "in the back" is important, but I didn't feel it for this piece. the more important detail for me seems to be the jacket itself having once belonged to a German. trimming those words could give the line more agency and momentum. likewise, "indistinguishable" as a word stole some momentum for me
from a dozen or more ragged round moth holes. ...again, the idea felt a little smoother than the execution for me.
Its greatness all the greater for their hunger. ...punctuation may be throwing this off (why is it a separate sentence?); the line itself feels like an addition that may not be needed.

Alfred killed frightened Germans for a living ..."for a living" felt like extra
he enjoyed gliding over them with his tank
it dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earth;...this line and the one before could be combined, rather than starting each with separate ideas (e.g.... ...gliding over them with his tank/ as they dulled the grating...)
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the slow scared bastards.
Underfoot was quagmire, men slipped and tripped,
in fear the grey-clads scrambled.....a lot of these lines feel end-stopped to me (though punctuation may suggest otherwise); it hurts the pace for me. some enjambment could really spice things up

Alfred often liked to stop and better see them flee,..."often" felt a little extra
crawl, and try in vain to haul themselves up and over...need both "up" and "over"?
steep walled ditches that gave little or no purchase.
Leather-gauntleted hands slipped on root and stone alike. ..."gauntleted" wasn't very fun to read
Waterlogged boot conceded failure to cold wet mud....this "failure" feels too abstract for me, though it does have a sense that speaks to the poem. entirely personal preference. on a different note, for a piece with a detached feel, a lot of attention is really being brought onto these fleeing men...
It was in these times he'd light one of his stubby cigars;
the same shape as his shells, he'd commandeered them
from a bloodied black dress-shirt pocket of the hierarchy.
Dead Waffen-SS officers had no taste; no need to smoke, except
in hell with all dead Jews sent Courtesy of Belsen's bakery.

Alfred tugged a mouthful of acrid smoke into his lungs...really liked this line
and smiled a Jewish smile as he bagged himself a trophy.
He also took his eighth iron cross, this one for his dead wife.

Alfred liked to wear the skin of a dead German soldier....another good line for me

chew on some of this; hopefully, one or two things may prove useful

[billy]

thanks guys, i'll mull the feedback and see what i can use later in an edit

[penguin]

I know the kind of effect you're trying to achieve but I don't think you're quite getting there. Not sure why, maybe more about the coat would do the trick.
"ragged round" and "slow scared" would work ok in some poems, but not this one.
The 2nd verse could be better punctuated and I'd cut the last 2 lines as you go on to describe the same thing better in verse 3..

Alfred killed frightened Germans for a living;
he enjoyed gliding over them with his tank,
they dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earth;
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the bastards.

Waterlogged boots?

I'm not that fond of the last 2 lines. Maybe there's some significance to the penultimate line but to me it seems superfluous.I think someone else mentioned that the last line was a bit flat and I'd agree.

[tectak]

Alfred wears a WWII German greatcoat;
the three bullet holes in the back indistinguishable
from a dozen or more ragged round moth holes.Surely this diminishes the relevance of the bullet holes.....which three are bullets, are ANY bullets. It is the finality of "indistinguishable" that is wrong. I want to know that they ARE distinguishable, if only by the blood-blackened threads.
Its greatness all the greater for their hunger.No. Its greatness all the greater for their menu choice. If they are hungry it is because they haven't eaten. These clearly have, or at least their caterpillars have. Corms and tubers, billy


Alfred killed frightened Germans for a livingStatement. Full stop. Adds to the starkness. I think you could bump up the characterisation of Alfred. "Alfred Killed frightened Germans for his hobby/pleasure/ sport."
He enjoyed gliding over them with his tankSemi colon
it dulled the grating of his tracks on harsh earthComma
only for a perceptible second or so, but he knew
he'd caught one or two of the slow scared bastards.Comma after slow. Not sure I like the opined descriptions you are using, they seem to be outside of Alfred's remit. They sound personal to the writer. Even "wretches" instead of "bastards" might mitigate the effect.
Underfoot was quagmire, men slipped and tripped,"Underfoot was a quagmire in which men slipped and fell,
and in this hell the grey-clads slithered" ...just a suggestion because tripping is a bit pratt-fall-esque
in fear the grey-clads scrambled.Overuse of frightened, scared and fear. All repetition. I think we have got the picture. Tank, man, fear. Also, grey-clads seems to be a result of a search for "something" to describe "something" which is a "clad in grey something" and you have suddenly thought...aha! "grey-clad" I think you could work on the mud, gore, blood, burnt ground, petroleum grease and gunge. Grey-clad is fine for Sunday mass....but I think a man-tank battle is probably a little messier than dudes at church.

Alfred often liked to stop and better see them flee,Did he often like or often stop? Alfred liked to often stop....Alfred liked to stop often...
crawl, and try in vain to haul themselves up and over
steep walled ditches that gave little or no purchase.This is a bit H and S regarding Hazard Analysis of Steep walled Ditches when pursued by Tank thereof. " steep walled ditches; mud devoid of grip or grasp"
Leather-gauntleted hands slipped on root and stone alike.Hands in leather gauntlets slipped,on root and stone alike;
Waterlogged boot conceded failure to cold wet mud.and waterlogged boots gave up the fight to the swamp that once was land.
It was in these times he'd light one of his stubby cigars;
the same shape as his shells, he'd commandeered themFull stop after "shells" then comma after bloodied ( sorry, insert mode is on and won't go off).
from a bloodied black dress-shirt pocket of the hierarchy.
Dead Waffen-SS officers had no taste; no need to smoke, except
in hell with all dead Jews sent Courtesy of Belsen's bakery.good, powerful but still tinged with that quintessential billy. This line is manifestly NOT unbiased, it doesn't have to be.... BUT it loses something inherently (of itself) meaningful when personal sentiment shows through . Not a nit, just an observation.

Alfred tugged a mouthful of acrid smoke into his lungs
and smiled a Jewish smile as he bagged himself a trophy.
He also took his eighth iron cross, this one for his dead wife.

Alfred liked to wear the skin of a dead German soldier.

In some way this is a poignant piece but there is not enough crunch to give texture. It is all a bit dead-pan. Needs spicing up or becoming sufficiently dramatic so as not to falsely indicate that it got the way it is by accident. I like the thing but it doesn't like me. Even little things like the last line irritates me.....It should have been the first line![/quote]
Best,
tectak

[billy]

i'll work on it this afternoon and through the edit up later. the feedback i got is appreciated.